Last weekend I took a walk around Comex alone. I was supposed to meet up with Aik Henry and Tharik as the usual thing we used to do with every IT show.
I feel it strange. Like a disconnection of some sorts. I wasnt even called to go, in the beginning. There was only an arrangement because i told Aik i was going there today. Even there, there wasnt a proper arrangement of where to meet or what time.
Maybe it's the fact that the three of them and I are not so alike anymore. Used to be the days where things were more jovial and free between all of us that we'd play games like FEAR or Dota all the way to the wee hours of the morning. There's that time Aik and I tried to crack Henry open because we thought he kept to himself too much. The days when Tharik and I had this funny blogger-reader relationship. Till something screwed up in my brain and things went downhill.
I remember the few precious days I kept entirely for Henry to, I thought, "prepare" him for his internship in China for the next four months. It's the kind of thing where you try to clear all bad blood between each other... I dont know if anyone thinks this way but as a friend, no matter how close or far apart, at least clean up any issues so that if anything happens to them overseas you wont feel... ermm... "dirty". It was the kind of sincerity I thought I lost.
While Henry was away I kept it at that and instead turned my attention to Aik. Something was fleeting away. I didnt know what was it so i tried to catch it back.
I remember we kept emailing each other regularly... and he would let me in on some matters of the heart. Now he's back in Singapore... well.. he probably left it in China.
Henry had a little experience with Uncle Jimmy at the last job. I was shocked by his reaction to the whole experience in the TV industry, backstage. He didnt like Uncle Jimmy and a friend of mine. He told me what he felt and such. And suddenly i feel like everything he's thinking is the opposite of what I am thinking. I say apples are sweet and he says no, they're bitter. That kind of stuff.
I tried to pacify him but I couldnt get him to stop for a while and listen. I know him well enough to know that coaxing him wouldnt work.
I sat down with the three of them and followed them the whole day after Comex all the way to Tharik's house. I wasnt informed of the plans or anything. Not a word. I just sat. I just followed. I thought i should start talking but i simple couldnt continue a conversation that was about soccer or cutting into conversation that were made up of decimal numbers. I figured they probably wont want to listen to my "adventures" or see photos of productions i was in through my handphone.
While they played and had fun and shared jokes I sat at the back thinking of what went wrong. How did it get to here?
Then it struck me - by God.. I am the one in the wrong.
... depending on which angle you look it at.
I've spent so much time trying to learn and improve myself and achieve my dreams in the film industry that I've planted myself in a society completely differnt than what the three of them are used to.
i dont blame anyone. It's just the way it is. I chose a path. They chose a path.
Aik once said I should watch soccer to be in tune with them. I dont know. i tried watching. but no matter what i simple cannot keep the feeling down. I simply cannot stand watching the Brits. I simply could not stand the imagery they were showing - making gods out of players. I was nitpicking. I dont know. i simply cannot stand soccer. I love playing it... but i cannot stand the fanatism.
I went over to Kwang Wei's blog jsut now and read his post. Currently he's under the tutelage of a DOP - much like me under the tutelage of Uncle Jimmy.
I think what Kwang Wei said was right. That in the film industry it's an entirely different society - like an underground cult.
KW and I practice the idea of mentorship. Where we take on the mindset of a seemingly mindless worker doing whatever we're told to. From there we learn and pick up what we can. Sure, our mentors may have some undesirable attributes but that's where we learn to seave through things.
I've been so untuned to the updates of around Singapore and the issue of finance that today, during dinner in Bedok, my father started talking about his recent updates.. what with money matters and future plans.
I seemngly forgot that feeling where money was an issue in my mind. "Work hard! Work hard! Work hard!" they say.
Work hard, but for money? or for what?
The three guys have gotten jobs of their own at Standard Chartered. They earn.. i dunno.. seven dollars... seven and a half... an hour. After a month and a half that'll be about 1.5k or 2k or something. I dont know.
Henry and Aik started to calculate about the fifty cents difference in their pays and how much it amounts to. They sighed on their job scope, which was mostly paperwork, but seemed to be happy with the money.
Then i looked at myself. I hear them talking about the money and all and i feel a tinge of anger. I have no idea in the world why. All those numbers. All those 0.5 difference. It threw me off. Why cannot I see it through their eyes? Why cannot I understand? Why cannot I see the difference of 0.1 as something to take note of?
Everyday I go over to Whampoa at ten in the morning and return home at eight at night helping Uncle Jimmy with whatever. Some days, I'm sitting around at home doing paperwork and calling people for him while on other days I'm travelling to places transporting heavy items, squeezing them into every breathable space in his van. Then unloading them and squeezing them up through the corridors to his flat. With the work ethics of Uncle Jimmy, there is no rest. I come home with tightened muscles and sticky skin. Too tired to wash up.
But I'm not getting a single cent at all from all this. Yet, I'm still doing it, everyday, on time.
It's probably the same thing KW is doing now. and probably what Kang Sheng would like to do. The mentality is an ocean of a difference. I think we ride on the hope that what we do now is an investment for the future.
It's really demoralizing and painful for me to keep thinking of that end of the friendship between us three guys. Okay, maybe not the end, but the day where they take a backstage in my social life. Back to what i mentioned before - the thing about having coffee for a while then thats it.
My heart sinks at every thought when i realise that I am the singularity with the different mindset of Henry Aik and Tna. I've always imagined of the days where I could spar with Henry and the two of us can train up together in the martial arts. To have a sort of "Brother in Arms"... yes, that is it.
Days go by and see the dream fading away.
But maybe it's fate. I'll let the gods take care of it. Many men have said, "Human being are indespensable."
What this means is that I am not obliged to cling on to a person. Any person. Except for the family of course. When the times comes, people will leave you. When the time comes, he may return, or another will be found, or find you.
It's easy to say and throw it around... but when it finally comes into play and you have to choose... it become something you become afraid of.
Henry doesnt like talking about Uncle Jimmy. He probably thinks that's all I have in my mind. I have never seen Henry like that. So bitter. So direct; not even when talking about a certain someone. On the other hand, Kang Sheng, who ironically has good words about Henry and he's the level-headed diplomatic one, revers upon Uncle Jimmy, in a way.
But i can understand the difference now. Henry does not see Uncle Jimmy of any use, much like how others do not see the way we work in the industry. However Kang Sheng has his agenda of slimming down and finally building up his fitness, and Uncle Jimmy is providing that. It's the same of how we understand the order of heirarchy on set and how others not intuned with the industry see it as if that guy is pushy and such.
It's very sad indeed...
I hope it doesnt come to the day where i have to stand at a fork in the road - one path leads to keeping with the person I love whereas the other denies that chance but enables me to live on and live my dreams for the future. It's a situation of Either/Or. It has happened before... now the fingers are pinching onto the last precious grains of sand.
And It's a painful decision should it come. One hand, five fingers. The branches of life.
I feel it strange. Like a disconnection of some sorts. I wasnt even called to go, in the beginning. There was only an arrangement because i told Aik i was going there today. Even there, there wasnt a proper arrangement of where to meet or what time.
Maybe it's the fact that the three of them and I are not so alike anymore. Used to be the days where things were more jovial and free between all of us that we'd play games like FEAR or Dota all the way to the wee hours of the morning. There's that time Aik and I tried to crack Henry open because we thought he kept to himself too much. The days when Tharik and I had this funny blogger-reader relationship. Till something screwed up in my brain and things went downhill.
I remember the few precious days I kept entirely for Henry to, I thought, "prepare" him for his internship in China for the next four months. It's the kind of thing where you try to clear all bad blood between each other... I dont know if anyone thinks this way but as a friend, no matter how close or far apart, at least clean up any issues so that if anything happens to them overseas you wont feel... ermm... "dirty". It was the kind of sincerity I thought I lost.
While Henry was away I kept it at that and instead turned my attention to Aik. Something was fleeting away. I didnt know what was it so i tried to catch it back.
I remember we kept emailing each other regularly... and he would let me in on some matters of the heart. Now he's back in Singapore... well.. he probably left it in China.
Henry had a little experience with Uncle Jimmy at the last job. I was shocked by his reaction to the whole experience in the TV industry, backstage. He didnt like Uncle Jimmy and a friend of mine. He told me what he felt and such. And suddenly i feel like everything he's thinking is the opposite of what I am thinking. I say apples are sweet and he says no, they're bitter. That kind of stuff.
I tried to pacify him but I couldnt get him to stop for a while and listen. I know him well enough to know that coaxing him wouldnt work.
I sat down with the three of them and followed them the whole day after Comex all the way to Tharik's house. I wasnt informed of the plans or anything. Not a word. I just sat. I just followed. I thought i should start talking but i simple couldnt continue a conversation that was about soccer or cutting into conversation that were made up of decimal numbers. I figured they probably wont want to listen to my "adventures" or see photos of productions i was in through my handphone.
While they played and had fun and shared jokes I sat at the back thinking of what went wrong. How did it get to here?
Then it struck me - by God.. I am the one in the wrong.
... depending on which angle you look it at.
I've spent so much time trying to learn and improve myself and achieve my dreams in the film industry that I've planted myself in a society completely differnt than what the three of them are used to.
i dont blame anyone. It's just the way it is. I chose a path. They chose a path.
Aik once said I should watch soccer to be in tune with them. I dont know. i tried watching. but no matter what i simple cannot keep the feeling down. I simply cannot stand watching the Brits. I simply could not stand the imagery they were showing - making gods out of players. I was nitpicking. I dont know. i simply cannot stand soccer. I love playing it... but i cannot stand the fanatism.
I went over to Kwang Wei's blog jsut now and read his post. Currently he's under the tutelage of a DOP - much like me under the tutelage of Uncle Jimmy.
I think what Kwang Wei said was right. That in the film industry it's an entirely different society - like an underground cult.
KW and I practice the idea of mentorship. Where we take on the mindset of a seemingly mindless worker doing whatever we're told to. From there we learn and pick up what we can. Sure, our mentors may have some undesirable attributes but that's where we learn to seave through things.
I've been so untuned to the updates of around Singapore and the issue of finance that today, during dinner in Bedok, my father started talking about his recent updates.. what with money matters and future plans.
I seemngly forgot that feeling where money was an issue in my mind. "Work hard! Work hard! Work hard!" they say.
Work hard, but for money? or for what?
The three guys have gotten jobs of their own at Standard Chartered. They earn.. i dunno.. seven dollars... seven and a half... an hour. After a month and a half that'll be about 1.5k or 2k or something. I dont know.
Henry and Aik started to calculate about the fifty cents difference in their pays and how much it amounts to. They sighed on their job scope, which was mostly paperwork, but seemed to be happy with the money.
Then i looked at myself. I hear them talking about the money and all and i feel a tinge of anger. I have no idea in the world why. All those numbers. All those 0.5 difference. It threw me off. Why cannot I see it through their eyes? Why cannot I understand? Why cannot I see the difference of 0.1 as something to take note of?
Everyday I go over to Whampoa at ten in the morning and return home at eight at night helping Uncle Jimmy with whatever. Some days, I'm sitting around at home doing paperwork and calling people for him while on other days I'm travelling to places transporting heavy items, squeezing them into every breathable space in his van. Then unloading them and squeezing them up through the corridors to his flat. With the work ethics of Uncle Jimmy, there is no rest. I come home with tightened muscles and sticky skin. Too tired to wash up.
But I'm not getting a single cent at all from all this. Yet, I'm still doing it, everyday, on time.
It's probably the same thing KW is doing now. and probably what Kang Sheng would like to do. The mentality is an ocean of a difference. I think we ride on the hope that what we do now is an investment for the future.
It's really demoralizing and painful for me to keep thinking of that end of the friendship between us three guys. Okay, maybe not the end, but the day where they take a backstage in my social life. Back to what i mentioned before - the thing about having coffee for a while then thats it.
My heart sinks at every thought when i realise that I am the singularity with the different mindset of Henry Aik and Tna. I've always imagined of the days where I could spar with Henry and the two of us can train up together in the martial arts. To have a sort of "Brother in Arms"... yes, that is it.
Days go by and see the dream fading away.
But maybe it's fate. I'll let the gods take care of it. Many men have said, "Human being are indespensable."
What this means is that I am not obliged to cling on to a person. Any person. Except for the family of course. When the times comes, people will leave you. When the time comes, he may return, or another will be found, or find you.
It's easy to say and throw it around... but when it finally comes into play and you have to choose... it become something you become afraid of.
Henry doesnt like talking about Uncle Jimmy. He probably thinks that's all I have in my mind. I have never seen Henry like that. So bitter. So direct; not even when talking about a certain someone. On the other hand, Kang Sheng, who ironically has good words about Henry and he's the level-headed diplomatic one, revers upon Uncle Jimmy, in a way.
But i can understand the difference now. Henry does not see Uncle Jimmy of any use, much like how others do not see the way we work in the industry. However Kang Sheng has his agenda of slimming down and finally building up his fitness, and Uncle Jimmy is providing that. It's the same of how we understand the order of heirarchy on set and how others not intuned with the industry see it as if that guy is pushy and such.
It's very sad indeed...
I hope it doesnt come to the day where i have to stand at a fork in the road - one path leads to keeping with the person I love whereas the other denies that chance but enables me to live on and live my dreams for the future. It's a situation of Either/Or. It has happened before... now the fingers are pinching onto the last precious grains of sand.
And It's a painful decision should it come. One hand, five fingers. The branches of life.
Posted by
Audi
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