I keep making things worse for myself.
AFP 2 was pretty cool and i thought i lifted myself off a plataeu and came back on my feet again.
Until the recent developments. Then I started to wonder why this was happening again.
I started to think.. maybe i havent prayed enough (or at all). Maybe it's karma from my rounds of drinking, smoking and fucking. Maybe that other person is another incompetant loser. Maybe maybe maybe.
I remember the times where I could freely give advise to people. Advices like how to treat other. About respect and humility. Those were the days.
Now, i feel like I have no grounds to say all that anymore. It's like i've become a hypocrite - being the evil and preaching the good.
I keep nodding and agreeing with Jimmy Low or other old men I hang out with when they talk about humilty and respect to others. I hold Jet Li's words like age-old gold in my hands. But now.... I've degenerated into a shell of myself.
In my days with the North View gang... I was the one guiding my friends. Telling them to grow up. To explore. To take risks. I was everything. Some of them have even came to say,"Yes Audi.. you were right. Now I understand."
It's the last day of July 2007 now. And i've come to realise that nothing is more important than to listen.
I feel like i've become the hostile person in school. The one many avoid. It took some time to realise it because I've been doing relatively well since i came in to FSV.
I woke up today. I woke up from my dream. Just when I thought no one gives a care anymore, here comes Don. Here comes Kang Sheng. Here comes Wei Min. And here comes Daryl.
Kang Sheng once said, when we were sitting in the middle of nowhere in the school courtyard, "Everybody hates to be criticized. Everybody hates to hear bad news. But these people who keep smacking you in the face... they are your friends."
I reflected back on who were the fuckers who made me feel like I'm worthless. These people were none other than the people I look for first whenever i arrive to school.
It was about eight fifteen at night when Daryl called me for a smoke. Instead of smoking in the toilet as usual, we sat down at the carpark nearby and had a quiet moment. Well, for me.
I listened and tried not to make the usual excuses i keep finding myself doing nowadays. I tried. I listened.
Daryl laid the smackdown on my candy ass. It was pretty harsh and disheartening. Even worse was what i heard him say about me were true. Finally I had to admit to myself. To come to the truth. It was as if someone were exposing your dark secrets to yourself.
Then I asked,"Daryl.. I find this funny. If everyone here has given up on me... then why are you still here?"
His reply was enough to motivate me to change.
Before we went back to our work, he turned around a me, who was still sitting at the carpark, and said,"Seriously ar... it's time to grow up."
Time to heed my own advice.
Thanks Daryl.
AFP 2 was pretty cool and i thought i lifted myself off a plataeu and came back on my feet again.
Until the recent developments. Then I started to wonder why this was happening again.
I started to think.. maybe i havent prayed enough (or at all). Maybe it's karma from my rounds of drinking, smoking and fucking. Maybe that other person is another incompetant loser. Maybe maybe maybe.
I remember the times where I could freely give advise to people. Advices like how to treat other. About respect and humility. Those were the days.
Now, i feel like I have no grounds to say all that anymore. It's like i've become a hypocrite - being the evil and preaching the good.
I keep nodding and agreeing with Jimmy Low or other old men I hang out with when they talk about humilty and respect to others. I hold Jet Li's words like age-old gold in my hands. But now.... I've degenerated into a shell of myself.
In my days with the North View gang... I was the one guiding my friends. Telling them to grow up. To explore. To take risks. I was everything. Some of them have even came to say,"Yes Audi.. you were right. Now I understand."
It's the last day of July 2007 now. And i've come to realise that nothing is more important than to listen.
I feel like i've become the hostile person in school. The one many avoid. It took some time to realise it because I've been doing relatively well since i came in to FSV.
I woke up today. I woke up from my dream. Just when I thought no one gives a care anymore, here comes Don. Here comes Kang Sheng. Here comes Wei Min. And here comes Daryl.
Kang Sheng once said, when we were sitting in the middle of nowhere in the school courtyard, "Everybody hates to be criticized. Everybody hates to hear bad news. But these people who keep smacking you in the face... they are your friends."
I reflected back on who were the fuckers who made me feel like I'm worthless. These people were none other than the people I look for first whenever i arrive to school.
It was about eight fifteen at night when Daryl called me for a smoke. Instead of smoking in the toilet as usual, we sat down at the carpark nearby and had a quiet moment. Well, for me.
I listened and tried not to make the usual excuses i keep finding myself doing nowadays. I tried. I listened.
Daryl laid the smackdown on my candy ass. It was pretty harsh and disheartening. Even worse was what i heard him say about me were true. Finally I had to admit to myself. To come to the truth. It was as if someone were exposing your dark secrets to yourself.
Then I asked,"Daryl.. I find this funny. If everyone here has given up on me... then why are you still here?"
His reply was enough to motivate me to change.
Before we went back to our work, he turned around a me, who was still sitting at the carpark, and said,"Seriously ar... it's time to grow up."
Time to heed my own advice.
Thanks Daryl.
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Audi
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My Life
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