I have no idea what's been going on these few days. Everythin's been flying about around me and though i hate to make it look like I'm the pitiful guy stuck in a typhoon of stabbing swords, I'm afraid that's how it's looking to be now.
People ask me about what's happening to my debarment and stuff and I can return the answer in a very lighthearted way. Like as if I dont really bother.
Call it my archilles heel. It's a problem you get when you tend to smile too much. It's a problem when you are always able to see a way out, I guess.
That's just me, I think, always skipping the reflection part whenever things happen and jumping straight to the "where do we go from here?" question.
I never knew there was a boiling pot of molten lava deep in my belly till yesterday night. It spewed a little of itself yesterday after hanging around the editing room and accompanying Don in his car to buy some film stock.
I dont' really remember what Kang Sheng said when I finally blew up and felt like digging into the back of my head and pulling my entire skull apart.
I think i really hurt Kang Sheng a lot yesterday, physically, because I was throwing some playful punches and some did made contact. He made a few sarcastic remarks on how weak some of my punches were and the ego-machine under my pants went working and i threw a harder one.... still smiling, no less.
Finally, I erupted and broke a few circuits when Daryl said something really hurtful. It wasnt about what he said but it was that when he said it made me realize a few things.....
I walked out, furious, with Kang Sheng getting a bit shaken because he probably knows what state I'm in already. But as usual, I'm smiling and grinning saying, "I'm gonna smoke la!"
I went over to the outer walkway of level nine, where there was a clear view from my school all the way to Bukit Timah hill. It was cloudy yesterday night and the city lights behind the hill created this magical aura along the outline of the hill. There were two radio towers on the top of the hill and they stood there looking flimsy but I knew its roots were pile-driven deep into the soil.
Daryl and Kang Sheng came by after a while "to keep me company" and maybe I was thankful for that. But sometimes I wished i could be left alone after something like that to reflect.
Kang Sheng and I left after a few minutes since it was late. Daryl still had to do some synching up in the post-production room. I like to see him working with such interest and enthusiasm on any films he's been a part of.... except those I'm in as well, duh. I remember the days I had that kind of attitude.... till it was raped out of me with the brief taste of success.
Kang Sheng and i waited for the lift. Maybe he was talking. Maybe he wasnt. I wasnt really concentrating on anything. I threw a flying fist on to the board on the wall. Dust flew from behind it and some sand crumbled down onto the floor.
"I think you punch the wrong way." Kang Sheng says.
I let that fly past my head. I knew that already. That's why i busted a nerve on the knuckle of my ring finger.
While i was going home on the 74 bus to Ang Mo Kio, I looked at the slightly swollen bruise, rubbing it and thought to myself - how long am i going to hurt myself?
It's the next morning and I'm typing this post. I finally took a look at the bruise again - It's gone.
It still hurts when I press it though. But this is my problem, I guess. I'm like sand. Nothing sticks and I heal fast. Sometimes, I feel, too fast that nothing gets into my head.
I wonder if anyone can ever throw you a scolding saying,"You've got to start learning how to regret!"
People ask me about what's happening to my debarment and stuff and I can return the answer in a very lighthearted way. Like as if I dont really bother.
Call it my archilles heel. It's a problem you get when you tend to smile too much. It's a problem when you are always able to see a way out, I guess.
That's just me, I think, always skipping the reflection part whenever things happen and jumping straight to the "where do we go from here?" question.
I never knew there was a boiling pot of molten lava deep in my belly till yesterday night. It spewed a little of itself yesterday after hanging around the editing room and accompanying Don in his car to buy some film stock.
I dont' really remember what Kang Sheng said when I finally blew up and felt like digging into the back of my head and pulling my entire skull apart.
I think i really hurt Kang Sheng a lot yesterday, physically, because I was throwing some playful punches and some did made contact. He made a few sarcastic remarks on how weak some of my punches were and the ego-machine under my pants went working and i threw a harder one.... still smiling, no less.
Finally, I erupted and broke a few circuits when Daryl said something really hurtful. It wasnt about what he said but it was that when he said it made me realize a few things.....
I walked out, furious, with Kang Sheng getting a bit shaken because he probably knows what state I'm in already. But as usual, I'm smiling and grinning saying, "I'm gonna smoke la!"
I went over to the outer walkway of level nine, where there was a clear view from my school all the way to Bukit Timah hill. It was cloudy yesterday night and the city lights behind the hill created this magical aura along the outline of the hill. There were two radio towers on the top of the hill and they stood there looking flimsy but I knew its roots were pile-driven deep into the soil.
Daryl and Kang Sheng came by after a while "to keep me company" and maybe I was thankful for that. But sometimes I wished i could be left alone after something like that to reflect.
Kang Sheng and I left after a few minutes since it was late. Daryl still had to do some synching up in the post-production room. I like to see him working with such interest and enthusiasm on any films he's been a part of.... except those I'm in as well, duh. I remember the days I had that kind of attitude.... till it was raped out of me with the brief taste of success.
Kang Sheng and i waited for the lift. Maybe he was talking. Maybe he wasnt. I wasnt really concentrating on anything. I threw a flying fist on to the board on the wall. Dust flew from behind it and some sand crumbled down onto the floor.
"I think you punch the wrong way." Kang Sheng says.
I let that fly past my head. I knew that already. That's why i busted a nerve on the knuckle of my ring finger.
While i was going home on the 74 bus to Ang Mo Kio, I looked at the slightly swollen bruise, rubbing it and thought to myself - how long am i going to hurt myself?
It's the next morning and I'm typing this post. I finally took a look at the bruise again - It's gone.
It still hurts when I press it though. But this is my problem, I guess. I'm like sand. Nothing sticks and I heal fast. Sometimes, I feel, too fast that nothing gets into my head.
I wonder if anyone can ever throw you a scolding saying,"You've got to start learning how to regret!"
Posted by
Audi
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My Life
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