Hey, my readers.
I've been wanting to this for quite a while, and I guess it's the logical way to go - I'm converting this blog into a photoblog.
Sounds all well and good, but apparently I have no idea where to start. Gone with the sidebar (moved to the footer) and that leaves ample space for hi-res shots to be put in. There have been quite a few shots I've taken that I'd like to share but sizing it down to a width of 500px doesn't do justice to the details that I'd like everyone to see. Come on, digi-cams record in HD now, too!
Also, I'll be catering to wide-screen monitors... seeing how EVERYONE has a laptop now and every other emokid has a Macbook.
Oh I'm joking about emokids having Macbooks. Put your apples down.
I know my writings are crap, and I'm listening. So that means less blabber-writing and more mastur-snapping.
But, of course, I love writing. I mean, that's why I'm so annoying on Facebook, so I've set-up another blog purely for text. Due to privacy concerns (can't let my parents nose around), I've hidden the link somewhere on this blog. Happy searching!
I'll be back with a new layout.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
|
I'm tired.  Not exactly. I'm awake. Alert. But tired.  I've been meaning to blog regularly. And I have been writing. Honest!  But I lose the mood whenever I get home. My handwritten work, chucked aside.  Maybe it's the mess in my room. Dusty, insect-infested, a vomit of colors strewn about. Clothes I never use hang lethargically in my cupboard. A sweaty bed. How ugly to look at.  I hate my room.  I want out. I need to get out. I need to kick everything away. But, no. I can't. For the witch would screech down from the clouds. And she'll get nosy. And perform an act of flattery towards me. And I'll lose my drive again. Please. Let me be. I don't need to be patronized.  I sit here on this sticky chair in silence. It's 2am... I light up a stick. A regular signal; I'm heading to bed. My finger taps the mouse. I think... I wish... one day I could bring a friend into my room and not be ashamed.  But that's just a wish. I'll clean the room someday. Hopefully, with help. No more dusty tables. No more dust balls on the floor. Aesthetic uniformity.  The witch is coming again. Remove her, please.
Posted by
Audi
Labels:
Musings
,
My Life
,
Photography
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
|
Good bye, Jayden. I'll miss you.
Nothing will happen.
Nothing will happen.
The floors are wailing again. They won't shut up. So much pain under my knees. Rocking, and rocking.
I don't want to get up.
My god. What's that. Behind the shadows, I see your face. Bright. Glowing. No... I cannot. Shyly, I turn away. Don't touch me.
But let me touch you. I strain a breath as my fingers glide over yours. Fuck you. Fuck you for making me nothing more than an object. A carton box. A broken chair. But, please. Don't move. I'm not done yet.
I'm getting used to the dark.
Posted by
Audi
Labels:
Musings
,
My Life
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
|
I've done quite a lot of things for the past two weeks. Things that I have deep urges to write about. But a book won't do, and I find satisfaction in putting it online for all to see.
But I can't put it up here. Not with my parents wandering around. Or potential employers fishing for background information.
I guess it does, indeed, kind of suck to not be able to express myself fully. Just as a simple hug, an expression of love, could be deemed a major abomination of whatever dogma one follows. Crossing the line, they say.
I found love, in a way. But a different kind of love. It's the kind I would love to keep to myself.
Maybe, one day, you'll find my blood writings online. As a different person. And you'll understand.
And you'll understand what lies behind some of the posts here. Veiled behind the cover of awkward poetry.
I hope.
 I have much to say.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
|
I've lost any inspiration to do anything creative.
 Probably because I don't appeal to you.
Posted by
Audi
Labels:
My Life
,
Photography
,
Reflections
I used to shoot films to impress my lecturers. I used to write in an air of arrogance and absolute.
I used to work in the horrid conditions of a film set. Nothing more, but for the money. And for fame.
Something must have changed me somewhere. And I'm enjoying an up-turn in my life. A vast difference than the dense air of depression of February. But I'm taking life lightly, laughing off every mishap and celebrating every little success. I don't carry the weight of the world with me anymore.
Every step I take is filled with the rhythm of an orchestra. Every turn I make is a dance on the stage. And every smile I give carries a thousand words with them.
I clinch on to that night. The night we held hands. Vivid, it was. Those slender fingers and a touch filled with intimacy. I remember those hands. They once filled my heart. It's not the same person anymore. But it felt so familiar.
I buried these feelings so deeply inside, I forgot what it felt like. When these hands brought me over, my heart sank into the abyss. Waves of bittersweet feelings wash upon the walls of my chest. The feeling I had between my lips, they became familiar again.
But I know, this was just a dream. And it will last as long. The good-bye hug. And the farewell kiss. So lightly as it was. I know this could be our final one.
For tragedy is the god of my life.
Posted by
Audi
Labels:
Musings
,
My Life
,
Reflections
Ben called me last week to help him out with taking pictures for his store. Between our usual CAPSLOCK SHOUTING MATCH at each other, he briefed me on what he wanted for the shoot.
It was going to pretty simple and I wanted to do it because I've never done this before. Besides, it's Ben. Need there be another reason?
Armed with nothing but a six-meter-long piece of cloth and my camera, we shot in the confines of a wall and a pleasantly brightly lit room. We were lucky this time.
I think the shots came out better than I expected.
 One of the first few shots of the shoot.I shot, in total, of 168 pictures. Ben had two bags of clothes and the model went through the whole thing. We did everything in about two hours or so. By the time we were done, it was midnight... on a freaking Thursday! I have camp the next day! For the record, I did get to camp on time.  Red, grey, and white. I like this palette.I stayed over at his place that night. I felt like a king, really. And I greatly appreciate the gesture. Indeed, I felt embarrassed at the great hospitality the household showed me. Thanks, Ben! Daddy is charming. Mine isn't.These are only those I got a hand to edit back at my own desk over the weekend. Head over to The Typical Store to see other shots. It's awkward, I know, and so not me, but I found a few of the jackets pretty interesting. I think I might want to explore portrait photography even more!
Saturday, March 07, 2009
|
I was reading a Digg article's comment section just now. I came across this heart-wrenching story user Hal90000 shared. It's worthy enough to be shared.
Here it is:
I had a friend like that once. Thing is, the ending wasn't so cute, or great.
I was young, three or four, and living in Milwaukee. My dad was mowing the lawn, my mom was inside doing laundry and watching my little brother as he slept in his crib. It was cool outside, and I was in the driveway laying down. I noticed a green snake in the grass, and I slithered over to him, because that's how he moved. The little green snake slithered over towards me as well, and we met each other on the pavement, near the grass. I talked to the snake for several minutes, and played games with it. He was my little buddy, that snake, and we had lots of fun.
Days earlier I had noticed that gum did not stick to my shoe when I walked over it, and this intrigued me. I thought I'd step on the snake, because I figured it would be a fun game, and nothing bad could happen. I stood up, and put my right foot over him, and sure enough, nothing happened. The snake was fine, he slithered onward, and seemed to be having a great time. I stepped on the snake again, assuming all was well, and would be well. Only this time, I felt something, and I heard a small crunch. I jumped back in horror, and looked down at my s shaped pal. He was red now, and he stopped moving around. Though I did not know what death was, I knew instinctively that something horrible had happened, and my immediate reaction was to run inside and pour water on the snake, to make it heal. I was sobbing at this point, and I could have filled the cup with my tears. Instead, I filled it with water from the bathtub, as it was the only thing I could manage to reach.
I ran inside and out, pouring cup after cup onto the snake in the hope that it would come back to life, and keep on slithering. I figured if I could make the red go away, he would be alright again. But he wouldn't be alright, and he'd never play any games with me again. Instead of washing the red away, I washed away my first friend. He washed down the driveway in a rush of red colored water, and his grass green color slowly turned dull. I stared in disbelief, and sobbed at what I had done. I wanted to play a game, and I thought I knew it was safe. I kicked off my shoes, and ran inside to mourn alone. Below my right small white shoe was a middle arch, and a red stained heel.
I'll never forget that day. I don't know why.
Posted by
Audi
Labels:
Musings
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
|
I saw the rainbow last week. I was on duty that time, wet from the shower earlier on. It was pretty magical, really. The rainbow formed right in front of my eyes, and I had a good view from the top of the hill. I saw the end of the rainbow, or the start of it. It was there, right on Pioneer JC's tennis courts. No pots of gold, though. Only wet rubber pads.
The rainbow grew. And it grew really large. Now that same end of the rainbow was over on the KJE expressway. It was a magnificent sight. I felt so small. So tiny. I looked at it, stared at it. And they looked like ribs that hold up the sky, never will it shatter onto Choa Chu Kang.
I rushed for the guardroom's camera. And I stood up there on that hill. I've been on this hill many times, looking out. And I snapped away - my rifle hanging across my chest. It seemed pretty useless because there's no way the pictures are ever going to leave camp. But something tells me to take it anyways.
 It was pretty surreal. The sunset behind set a dramatic ambience against the dark clouds in front. The night guards gathered on the road and cars stopped on the hill. Some would take a glance, roll their eyes, and walk on. As if time has its cold grip on their throats. Others would smile, give a comment, and move off. Most, though, would stare in awe. It was only an illusion of light. There's nothing to it.
Then again, music is only mathematics in motion.
It's different nowadays. I've stopped writing anything for a very long time. My guitar is propped against the wall. My camera lays dead. It's sole purpose now is to fill up a bag that I carry around every time. A dead weight.
Maybe I'm uninspired.
Or maybe I've lost it. I've lost any inspiration to do anything. Right after I went back to being a 'professional'. It's the curse of money, I suppose. And it's been a burden on me forever.
I find that once I've been offered a paid job, every ounce of creativity or ideas I've ever had magically disintegrates. I fall back on rigid rules of 'creativity'. I fall back on elitist ideals of what is, and what isn't. The end product is rarely anything I've ever been proud of. Part of the reason why I rarely ever 'charge for (my) services'.
But what can I say?
I've only 3 dollars in my bank account. Soon enough, I'll have to bite the bullet and sit through a ton of discomfort... for survival's sake.
Maybe, along the way, I might just like it.
Posted by
Audi
Labels:
Musings
,
Reflections
|
|
