• "If i were to die of lung cancer, it would be less the fault of smoking and more of me spending a good part of NS gulping air from truck exhausts." - Written while I was on duty.
  
• "I think the best gift to receive is one that couldn't be preserved. Like a conversation... Or a serenade. Sweet memories are eternal. Or is this just an ideal?" - I thought of this after wishing Justin well on turning 22 today. I was questioning myself why I don't buy presents for people.
  

Year 2008 In Review

I’ll be presenting this in a titled form to keep things clean. Now, it’s a fucking l-o-n-g list, and has a major overload of self-indulgence (Can you say, 24k words?). That, and a lot of repeat photos and some badly edited ones.

But I’m doing this to remind myself that I’m only human. There are things I thoroughly regret, and things I’m very proud of. It’s been a great year for me and I keep every success and every intimate conversation close to my heart. I’ve fallen in love with so many new friends and learnt to numb the hate I had for others. Life is simple yet delicate. The falls we’ve taken only serve to make the times we pick our broken selves up much sweeter. Yes, I wrote that line myself.

I admit. There’s nothing better… than being alive.

The set of Ripley's at Mediacorp Studio 1.

Professional
I love working. It’s a joy. I think I was quite an annoyance in Poly after I started working for The Stunt Production in April 2007. I was away most of the time after school for a shoot and some of my teammates started to think my school work is slacking because of it. I could complete my work well, but my absence doesn’t help in morale. Not really. Most of our “meetings” are just us lazing about on the table asking, “How? How?” or settling politics. Even if I was around, I had big dreams. And big dreams don’t work well on the level we were at - we have neither time nor money.

I was thoroughly unpopular. But I loved working outside. I was usually in a singlet and shorts just sweating, toiling and smoking. I’d come home late and leave early the next morning. I was lashed at, shouted at and most of the time standing around while others bickered politics. It’s a shitty industry but I love it all the same. Uncle Jimmy once said, “This industry is like a drug.” - You simply cannot leave once you’re in it. Whenever people ask me to ‘bring them in’, I think twice. We’re talking about risking a soul here.

• Acquired a two-month contract with Mediacorp as an Assistant Producer for the show “Ripley’s Believe It or Not”. I was still studying that time, and I was tasked to relay messages to Allan Wu on the studio floor from the director. We recorded an entire year’s worth of episodes in two weeks. Allan and I had some liberty in directing the shots. My reach extended to certain episodes of "Police and Thief" but was uncredited for.
  

• Earned my Diploma in Film, Sound, and Video in February.

• Brought my parents along to watch FSV’s final year film projects. They saw the film I was on as an Art Director titled, “Sakkarangal”, about a boy who steals a bike from an old lady after mistaking it for his lost one. My parents seemed very proud that day. They haven’t been happy for a long while after I joined the film industry. However, I was down with a fever and had to leave immediately after that. I missed the post-screening party. Till now, I have never regretted.

• Acted as an extra for Zhao Wei in their upcoming film, “Invisible Children” with Leon Lee. Attended the wrap party at Goodwood Park and was swooned by Leon’s singing. Shook hands with Eric Khoo after I pounced on him when he left the toilet. His hands were still wet.

• Worked as a pyro-technician for the play "The Rise and Fall of Little Voice". First time I attended a play. Amazed at how well oiled the teamwork was.

• Was contracted with Putnam Trumbull from Tisch Asia as a lead actor for his short film, “And Then We Didn’t Wake Up.” It was my first role as a lead and I had to go through a whole range of emotions for the film. The crew were a standard better than our local crew. For one, they were courteous. Those were the days I had long hair, smoked very little and starred with an AK47. Till now, I have never seen the end product.

• Hired by Hoods Inc. as a Production Assistant for their Pulau Hantu: Control Through Fear telemovie. At the same time, I was under Jimmy Low as a stuntman and weapons specialist. I attended their meetings till late night and spent two weeks in the Ubin jungles wearing my SBO. I messed up a few times here because I was confused on what I was supposed to be doing. I feel that I left a bad taste in some of the crew’s mouth, and I regret. I learned how to tolerate the jungle, though, and field camp during BMT was easy.

• Took charge of my first big responsibility in The Stunt Production as a Weapons Specialist. I was given a room of my own with 20 other weapons and a hundred over special effects rounds. I was alone most of the time, and it speaks volumes to how much trust has been placed on my shoulders from my boss. I’m humbled. My favorite weapon: the Ultimax 100.

• Had the first misfire in my life when I let a round off the Ultimax in the chalet room. Nearly crapped my pants.

• Fired a few dozen rounds into the jungles for the soundman.

• Became the youngest human-torch stuntman in the country and currently holds the most number of times to be set on fire consecutively. It came at a time when my parents were against the thought of me working with Uncle Jimmy. I did the stunt voluntarily in an act of teenage defiance. Luckily, nothing went wrong and when they found out, I was the living proof that I was in good hands.

• Given my first try of detonating explosives during a live take for “Superspy Grandma”.

• Given the chance to show what I’ve learned by setting up a rig for a wire stunt by Uncle Jimmy during “Superspy Grandma”. The only wire pullers were his son and me. That meant I had to take control of the wire itself. It took some shouting at, but I got it right and my boss was happy.

• Hung up to the fourth storey in a wire test before the opening of Kallang Leisure Park. I was scared shitless and Uncle Jimmy had this to say, “Do a back flip!” Needless to say… didn’t happen.

• Attended a Singapore Media Academy course for actors as a Trainer in stunts. Appeared in a Channel News Asia segment.

Music
When I was young, I hated music. Then I realized it wasn’t music. It was those damn bubblegum pop my sister always listened to. When Singapore Idol 1 started, I was having my ‘O’ levels. I remember one night when a contestant sang, “Open Arms” by Journey. I was hooked. I watched the competition and I witnessed Sylvester Sim getting runner-up. That was the time when I stopped watching TV.

When SI 2 was coming up, I wanted to take part. I wanted to know how it was like so I did the most blatant thing ever. Talk to the people who actually went through it. The next day, I was at Junction8 with my video camera, an XM2. Of course, this attracted a lot of attention and that’s when one of Sly’s fan club members approached me. The next thing I knew, I was in Sly’s car with his dad on the wheel and I was following them till the wee hours of the night. I stared at Sly when he sang karaoke. I was shy that time and that was all I could do. All I wanted was to see him sing and play the guitar.

Fast forward a year later, he signed with Dragonfly and he brought me in through the backdoor. I got my first look at a live band. I noticed Deehellsix, a band member of his, on the guitar and I went nuts. It was awesome! I want to do that! Thus began my musical journey. I started to sing, read notes, found my genre of music (classic rock).

These two people have been such an inspiration to me, and yes, I’ve always been made fun of for having an interest in Sly. But take my word for it when I say that he’s a friendly and fun guy with such a pleasant personality towards his fans. He’s regularly in deep thought and during the few times I actually sat down to speak to him, one-on-one, about music, he knows exactly what he’s doing.

I’ve been actively, consciously, singing since 2006 and I’ve asked a great deal of people for tips leading up to the SI2 auditions. I didn’t make it, sure, but I didn’t stop there. I went KBox-ing, and found during those drunken sore nights, my friend called me for this song all the time that it became my signature song. This was “An Jing” by Jay Chou. I hate that song. But I guess it’s because it’s a non-Chinese singing a Chinese song. I usually sing this in the style of Sly. I still suck a singing, though, and I’m taking it a step at a time.

• Bought my first electric guitar for SGD399. An Epiphone Les Paul Special 2. It’s not a looker, but it plays great.

• Started taking guitar solo lessons with Guitar 77 at Peninsula Plaza. Attended three lessons, then stopped when I had to leave for Pulau Hantu. But I had a great teacher, Allan Koh, and I still do the exercises he thought me. I now had a bearing to follow.

• Hooked up with Deehellsix through Friendster. He was nice enough to invite me over to his place for a lesson and I witnessed him baptize my guitar with his awesomeness. I’m serious, I was shocked that my guitar made noises I’ve never heard before. He left me with some tips and a musical sheet that he wrote notes on with a pencil. I still have this sheet and has become part of my guitar exercises.

• Read a book by Slash from Guns N’ Roses and completed it. I got into the whole cigarettes, drugs and alcohol lifestyle, sure, but I learnt how they made the music they’re famous for. Inspired, I practiced more.

• After a long break, thanks to NS, I finally got my first solo down during my time as an OOC at SISPEC. You guessed the solo: “Don’t Cry” by GnR. It couldn’t have happen if another one of my OOC mate was a GnR fan and he knew the tabs by heart. I printed my own tabs and played it nightly. A week and a half later, I had a steady tempo going on for the solo. My first musical jump.

• During this time, I took a stab at songwriting. I don’t usually listen to my iPod, but I was bored, and I kept my ears plugged. Couple this with an aching heart – the result of post-BMT depression, and yearning for a loved one – I become emotional and spent a couple of hours every night, in the dark, writing out songs. I stopped the madness when I realized I was making up a solo for our “Yankee Boleh” cheer. Yes. I was THAT unstable.

• A year ago, I took a recording of Sly singing a new song of his. He said it was 'something (he) was working on'.

• My barber in Yishun was a singer/keyboardist in a pub and does performances sometimes with his band. I was talking to him once while having a haircut and he asked, “Would you like to hear me sing?” What followed was an hour and a half of my freaking barber of seven years singing evergreens to me on the keyboard. I applaud him for his sincerity. Before I left, the one encouragement he gave me was, “You’re at the right age to develop a singing voice.” The tip of the day? “You need to start having your own song list.”

• After being posted to Stagmont Camp as an RP, I had a lot of free time while doing duty. I volunteered as sentry most of the time only because I didn’t have to move around and I was closer to the radio. A fellow friend of mine would play some Aerosmith and rock music of the 70s/80s era everyday. We’ll belt out for the next two hours. Instead of going screamy every fucking way, I tested out techniques and got to know my voice a lot better. I found which pitch needed how much air, where was my transition point, how high I could go without going into falsetto, at what volume was most natural for all those notes to be audible. I’m still not good, but it’s a good start to improve myself.

• I had another round at my barber and this time his entire band was there in that freaking barber shop. They played the blues, and I watched as they strummed, horned, and keyboarded. A lady came by complaining how noisy it was (oh please… evergreen music, wtf?) and they stopped. I spoke with the guitarist, whom I think had no interest in whatever I was saying whatsoever, and the tip I got out of him was, “Don’t go soloing yet. Do chords. Get your tempo right.” That week, I was finally making music that people could clap along to. I’m abandoning solo for a while and concentrating on strumming. I need a strong foundation before my guitar could finally weep… and make others weep too.

• Took another stab at songwriting one lonely afternoon at Yishun Park. I had “Sorry” and “This I Love” from Chinese Democracy of Guns N’ Roses at hand and I studied the lyrics. I created a short song for someone, and I think it’s one of my best work yet.

National Service
Ah yes. That fear all able-bodied Singaporean boys would have at some point of their lives. My service has been pleasant so far, and I’ve been really lucky. The days before I enlisted, I met up with as many old friends I could. A sort of ‘goodbye’, but that’s just my style. I’ve always had difficulty in keep relationships healthy and most usually die off once I move over to a new chapter.

I’ve stopped contacting a lot of my old friends since National Service. A bastard move as it is, I feel that it’s for the better. I’ve met a ton of very valuable people in the Army, and they are the best so far. Add that to the fact that I bashed through jungles and endured route marches with these people. I love them so much, and they’re part of the reason why I’ve changed tremendously to a more focused person than before.

• Enlisted on the 13th of June 2008. It was a Friday. Served my BMT in Yankee Company, Platoon 1, Section 3, Bed 8.

• Was shat on by an owl. I was talking to the platoon and once I was done, I felt something hit my shoulder and elbows. Bird shit. I only knew it was an owl when our sergeant pointed it out to us a few nights later that it sits on the same branch every day. How many times in your life do you get an owl shit on you?

• Discovered that the mind was indeed the most powerful part of a human being. I look back now and still am amazed that I managed to go through some interesting stressful situations. It had something to do with my mindset at that time – I had a goal, and I had something to prove. Most of the time I acted out as if I was in a war movie and saw things that way. It was much easier. Now, I dread at the thought of pull-ups.

• My opinion of Jayden changed when I found out he poured boiling water on a rat for eating his instant noodles.

• I think it’s only in the Army where one can do borderline homosexual actions and be excused for it. Nicholas and I spent at least three nights together on the same bed. For the record, we were feeling lonely, and unsure of the future. We just needed company. Those were the days of “Champagne Supernova” and the entire Oasis discography.

• On the same note, I think Nick and I have so much stupid stories to share to others.

• I pushed myself to limits I never knew I could achieve. At one point of time, I thought I could do anything. Then reality sets in.

• Was laughing at a friend when I fell into a drain. Deep cut, and I have a depression in my shin bone now. This was the day right after field camp.

• Got in trouble with MSD for a blog post. This cost me a celebration during Game’s Day when we won second place. I spent that night talking to my PC and OC and had to give a statement of sorts. I was asked to delete the entire blog but compromised by having the posts removed. It’s out of the public’s eye now but I still have it around just in case. Luckily, the issue blew over and I was posted to SISPEC.

• On the same note, I had a source that made me realize how big of an issue it was. I heard all about the mass e-mail, what was in it, and even got a hint of what was written in the concluding e-mail by the authorities. MSD has been kind to me, and I thank them for that. A part of me, though, would like to meet the blog-surfer clerks who filed the initial report. I’d love to offer them a firm handshake.

• I cried a freaking lot this year and all of them happened during BMT. I remember two very clearly: the time we received our letters from home halfway into field camp where we were muddied after digging our shellscrape. It was a cloudy evening, and I was the Platoon IC. I saw as others held their letters and one-by-one, they cried. I didn’t really read mine, instead, skimming between the lines and not wanting to cave in. It’s only when my eyes caught a line my mom wrote, “The cats miss you.” did I let I go.

• The second time was during the smoking incident which stemmed from misinformation. Sgt. Lyndon blasted at us when he found out we smoked when he didn’t give permission (we were… but from someone else) and I saw his eyes well up when he said, “Am I not approachable?” It hit me because I was in his section and most of us loved him a lot. At that point of time, it felt like finding out your close friend came into your house, got into your computer, stole all your home-made porn with pictures of your sick fetishes and disseminated it to your friends when he still calls you out for a drink and shows sympathy for your worries. Lyndon tear-ed and sent us up. I went up and stood at the window beside Nick’s bed to let it go while the others went for a smoke.

• Wanted to get into MDC. Deemed too fit. Wanted to get into OCS. Didn't happen. Heard what others have been saying about me from a source. Went into a period of reflection.

• Posted to SISPEC, Bravo Company. Two weeks on Attend B status and OOC-ed on the second week, first day. The only training I took part was ‘Map Reading’.

• Became the wandering motivator for the other Yankee Platoon 1 smokers in SISPEC. I spoke to Justin at great lengths. I wept with Nicholas over the phone as he cried his heart out on the first week of OCS. Sgt. Lyndon gave me an encouraging SMS to get me through. I regret, though, that I didn’t fulfill his and Nicholas’ wishes. A part of me says I give up too easily. Another part of me says I’m thinking forward, way after NS.

• Ordered LBV name tags for Joey and Nicholas from the gift shop. A sort of an encouragement to get them through the training.

• Oddly, I felt glad when I saw Jayden standing in the middle of the road one afternoon. He just OOC-ed. A while later, he was posted out.

• Became the CSM’s “pet”, and I had a great time helping him out in the armskote. I have a feeling of deep respect seeing him work around the madness behind the scenes. He takes such great care of me as a person. I didn’t get the chance to compliment him in person.

• Posted out to Stagmont Camp as an RP on the 29th of September 2008 after five depressing weeks as an OOC. A cock-up initially happened, and I wasn’t informed. A quick transferring of e-mails with the clerk and I was out. The last Yankee I saw was Jayden who was in the office that time.

• Received my own rifle. I’m wearing my customized LBV. What more do I want? I’m having a great time in Stagmont and the food’s great. I’m surrounded by a few fun people that I could relate to. I’ve changed so much for the past six months.

Politics/Current issues
I tend to keep this part of myself quiet except to the few people who actually had interest. When I do, we always go into debates about different issues. Also, part of my decision to be an atheist stems from here. It seems as if for any social issues, religious clerics take the high-ground and expect others to receive their words as the end-all-be-all. Their support? This verse… that verse…

• Involved in the Obama campaign since February. Mostly internet-based and most of the time voicing my support and spreading info. He won, I was glad. However I think there’s something in the soup at the White House. My biggest fear is that the ‘change’ he has promised isn’t the one he's delivering.

• Supported the legalization of marijuana. I won’t argue about it. Let THIS website do it.

• Among other things, supported gay rights, but don’t condone gay pride parades. Imagine a straight pride parade where couples are acting out sex acts on the streets. Also supported pro-choice in the abortion issue. Supported euthanasia on condition the person’s situation is life-threatening or terminal. I didn't agree on the "life is a gift from god" thing.

• Learned how to relieve ankle sprains and muscle aches from Uncle Jimmy. I put this to good use during BMT. I was armed with Traditional Chinese Medicine, bandages, and the like. Little did anyone know this was the first time I treated anyone. All these while I’ve only been watching my shifu treating people in the office.

• Justin was given the honor of being my first successful “patient”. He had an accident from jumping off the low ramp and dislocated his ankle. Nobody knew it until I realized it was bent at an angle. I consulted Uncle Jimmy and he told me to “jerk it”. I did, and I thought I killed Justin. But we cheered after the fact when he showed that he could move his feet around more now. From that day on, I stuck myself with him, regularly giving him feet massages and supplying him with Chinese medicine under the guidance of Uncle Jimmy through our nightly phone conversations in BMT. I brought Justin over to him a few times for acupuncture for his injury. In a way, Justin and I had a pact and I saw him through all the way through route marches till we Passed Out. In a wacky twist-of-fate, this time, he was the one standing behind me, watching over me in case I was about to fall flat on my face during the parade. Karmic reward of sorts.

• I’ve learned to be more honest with myself, and left the teenage ideologies of a world full of candy and horses. Once I understood myself better, I was more honest and I don’t think twice to tell someone how I feel about them. I now have no reservations to say, “I appreciate this.” Or “I miss you” or even “I love you”. The people I met in BMT weren’t homophobic, unlike the people I used to hang out with, and they understood where I was coming from when I said those things. I learned not to take myself too seriously.

• I’ve kept every single compliment, every single nugget, and wrote down quotes of some of my friends like Joey. A quick scroll through my handphone and you’ll see old messages from BMT till now. If a small compliment goes a long way for me, than it should be the same for other people. Most of the time anyway.

• Along the way, I understood and embraced the rights of individuals. I discovered I was pretty liberal in my thinking, and it does not fit well with my parents. For as long as I can remember, my parents have never thought me anything that would help me in life, not even how to start saving money, except for the regular “Remember God or die in hell” threat.

• Leading to that, I declared myself an Atheist before enlistment. Being Atheist wasn’t a decision on a whim. I have thought about it for a few months now before deciding. I must say, it’s been the best decision I’ve made. No longer was I clouded by superstition, and I was confident in myself again. That the only reason why I’m not disciplined, is myself. The only reason why I can’t stop smoking, is myself. The reason why I’m under depression is myself. And not some magical devil monkey that has that ample amount of time to lead me to ‘destruction’, as my parents would say. In fact, judging from the accusations on how much the devil has taken over me, I would rather worship the devil if only because he seems to be there most of the time, and regularly involved with my life, than a benevolent, all-knowing, all-capable magical white light specter that never answers your call for a better world but instead issues ‘challenges’ to your life in addition to a problem you’re already having.

• Though I have strong feelings about religion, stemming from my parent’s interpretation of God, I remember to take account the rights of the other person. Most of the time, I don’t offer spiteful comebacks. Not even to my parents. It’s rude and unproductive, especially when one has become superstitious. I sincerely believe I could learn a few things from my father, but his religion has clouded his mind and gets in the way of what a father should actually do. I hate the word, “Pray” now. I have always felt envious when I see my friends speak to their father, laughing at dirty jokes, teasing their girlfriends, talking about soccer or the news. Not on my side. My father is more interested in me talking to a carpet than learning how to connect with people.

• My shifts in Stagmont allowed me to practice public speaking and hold a conversation for an extended period of time. I usually get into debates and it’s a great way to expand the mind.

• Went for my first blood donation the day Obama won the presidency. I did a victory dance at the camp gates.

• Trained more in White Crane Kungfu during BMT from Uncle Jimmy. Decided to specialize in Tiger Claw art.

• Bought my first DSLR, a Canon 450D during BMT. I decided to buy this model because Jayden said he had the 400D. So 450 is more than 400, which means it should be better, right? Bought my camera at Liang Court, Audiohouse for SGD1,500. I shared the cost with my father.

• On the same note, got back to photo-editing and experimented with Photoshop again after a long while. Again, Jayden was the inspiration, and I decided to learn graphic design as well after seeing his doodles in the bunk.

• Got back to blogging after a dream I had which I died on a beach after charging from a boat. It was a head shot. I wanted to leave a mini-legacy if I were to die.

• Realized what being fucked-out-of-the-mind is. I was staring at my bunk door in the wee hours of the night when I saw a pink horse hop into the room and started bouncing off the walls. I was thoroughly confused at what the fuck that was all about.

• Was into a period of aimlessness and wandered around the city alone most of the time. I’d drop by at pubs and have a drink or two and continue with my journey. I smoked a lot more than usual, and went around with a diary and a pen. Pretty soon, I figured out ways to get ‘high’ and for the first time and understood what it meant and how fucking great it feels to be on drugs.

• Fell in and out of love many times. Most were just flings, and flames went out after a quickie. Never got laid at all this year thanks to professional commitments. Though I almost did, but was too drunk to do anything that I spent the night with my pants down on the toilet with the door open. Decided to settle down at the age of 32, or never at all, and adopt a son. I still couldn’t keep friendships that well so most of my love went over to animals. It got weird when I started to think I had a son whom I showered with so much affection. Maybe, this is a subconscious thought of mine relating to my father-son ties.

• Contemplated whether I really wanted a girlfriend... or a pet dog.

• Went for my first wax at Strip Buddy in Paragon. Ouch.

• Started getting facials at The Hidden Place, Tanjong Paga

• Found out that my memory pattern is starting to change and have become dependant on journals, pictures and mementos to remind me of times. However, I’ve improved on remembering what I said to a person long before and have better organization habits.

• Created a budget formula to help me with my finances. Best decision ever.