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The Mein Bereich’s Guide To: Watching Movies.
Disclaimer: We all know that everyone’s opinions are as diverse as the amount of jobs you will take if you don’t start deciding your career path now. So whatever I’m about to say here really is.... meh... just don’t take it like I’m being the Big Boss Man or anything. Now off we go to make you turn into an educated movie-goer just because sissy boys and girls love to complain of how ugly some actors are.
Rule #1
Review the damn thing!
Whatever you do, please. READ THE BLOODY SYNOPSIS AT LEAST! I hate it when I hear people go, “AWW I HATE THAT MOVIE KNNCB WASTE MY MONEY SIMLJWTFNVSS LOUSY GV LETS GO TO CATHAY!” and then we realize they have lame excuses like they wanna get into their girl’s pants or THEY DON’T REVIEW THE MOVIE. Please... you dont have to know the ENTIRE story before you come in. At least know what genre and theme the movie has so that you have some expectations. Don’t go into a Jack Neo film hoping to flex those puzzle-solving muscles of yours. If it’s an action/adventure, expect lots of physical action with larger-than life characters. If it’s a thriller, don’t bring your weak-hearted nerd friend. If it’s a melodrama, invite your Channel 8 friends. IMDB.com is da bomb of movie archiving so go there to have a little sneak preview of upcoming movies. Rottentomatoes.com is nice as well. Don’t trust those New Paper reviews. Reviewed by Mass Commers so DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T. THEY DON’T EVEN STUDY MOVIES TO BEGIN WITH!
But if they’re reviewing anything on TV... then yeah ok credits go to them...
Rule #2
Who cares if the actor is NOT cute?!
Every time I have someone say sth along those lines, an image of a wet, fat, sloppy woman with fat cheeks and whiny voice masturbating herself on her mom’s bed comes on my mind. No pun intended. Serious.
To be an educated movie-goer, you need to understand that movies are meant to send out a message.. an eternal message under a theme. The purpose of film is to tell a story and provide a gateway for one to forget about the real world and be sucked into a better one. A hyper real one. If you need eye candy... watch porn. Otherwise, concentrate on the character’s ordeal.... and SLIM DOWN YOU SMELLY BITCH! YOU DON’T LOOK SO CUTE YOURSELF!
Rule #3
Most Hollywood films have a standardized plot.
X-Men3 has been kicked about by quite a lot of us here. I know. I kicked it a bit too. We ALL didn’t get the significance of the gay guy with wings. We ALL didn’t get why Cyclops wasted his screen time by boiling bacteria off from a lake. We ALL didn’t get why Phoenix had black eyes and skin (refer to Rule #2 if you’re making a fuss of it). But after talking over with Tharik about it... I realized that the story actually is complete. But it was executed weakly. Every story... every film in the world has a theme it came out from. The XM series’ theme has always been about treating everyone equally and all that. The wing guy, I figured, was some sort of a symbol. It was a symbol for the theme. The little boy as well I think was a symbol but for the story. Meaning... don’t you realize that whatever that was happening with Wolverine and gang reflected on his actions? They were in danger, he was in jeopardy. When he was saved, the good guys were starting to turn tables.
I have to agree that the story was executed weakly though.
Another thing with plots is that there will always be two sets of storylines. In screenwriting class we learnt that main characters always have two goals; the conscious goal and subconscious. Basically, it’s what the character DESIRES... and what he really NEEDS but doesn’t know it. It’s cool. Simple example – ever seen Cars? Lightning’s desire was to win the Piston Cup. But his need, however, was to have friends and understand that winning isn’t everything (TAKE THAT, GAHMENT CHUMPS!). Goals can be boiled down to simple little things like this. But you know. It’s not how big a dick is... its how you use it. Btw... DO watch Cars. But don’t bring little Bobby. The kid behind me kept going,” I wanna go home~~~” to his mom, who instead was fixed onto the story unfolding onscreen. It really isn’t targeted to young children.
Another thing is that film is limited in plenty of ways. Whenever a film is adapted forma novel or something, there will ALWAYS be complains of it being different to the original. This. Is. NORMAL. Live with it. Film is expensive to produce so they cant make a six hour film by today’s situation. Also, profits profits profits; a film needs to reach out to massive audiences and not just the Bookwormies from your JC Library Club, so yeah... they have to tweak the story here and there somewhat to make the storytelling RICHER and much FULLER and COMPLETE.
Hollywood films tend to favor three-act structures; they intro you to the character, put him in boiling soup and you see them get out of it, and then watch what he does after that. If you look closely during films, you will know when the act breaks. It’s usually when something happens that forces the character to change the way he runs things. The break between the second act and third at is normally the twist in the story; finding out his brother was a 50 year old woman from Uzbekistan or that his son was running the big mofo advertisement that’s killing his company. Stuff like that.
Rule #4
People change. Deal with it, bitch.
Ah yes.... you bitches LOVE talkin about how sexy ur boyfriend is and how much he can sing and how much he can give you a cunninglingus (and you can barely give a fellatio cos you don’t friggin know WHERE our frenelum is!) and suddenly he doesn’t call you at 11pm and the next day you’re turning the Kleenex factory upside down and hanging up posters that read,”ALL MEN ARE LIARS”.
Firstly, you’re a bitch. Guys rule. So die.
Secondly, PEOPLE fUCKING CHANGE! FOR GOD’S SAKE!
In every movie you see, there will inevitably be a change in the main character. This would always be a psychological change rather than him having a bigger anus and a 6 foot dick. It’s pretty predictable; man not treating wife properly, he confesses love to wife in the end. Two brothers always fighting – they have gay sex in the end. But every idea has been raped by everyone in the world so the only thing that differentiates what makes one thing better over the other is the way it’s executed. My Korean Fav of all time, My Brother, executed the melodrama very nicely (I cried... twice... alone... I’m sad.) Cars was predictable but executed perfectly. The story is normal; Mr Brother having two brothers who cant get along cos one’s a tough ookie and the other is a nerd and finally one dies and Cars having this trophy guy thrown into an opposite situation and falling in love yada yada yada. Sounds like something you’ve watched ten thousand times, right? Everyone thinks the same. But the way it’s presented pretty much makes ppl keep coming back for more.
I guess what I just said can pretty much pertain to everything else in the world.
This character arc is pretty much responsible for how we feel about the story. Basically, if we can relate to his problems and what’s a stake, we can literally feel the change he goes through and ultimately, give the movie some kudos and we walk out of the cinema a different person... If you feel like you’ve changed... the filmmaker achieved his goal. If you don’t then this leads us too...
Rule #5
Shut up, dammit!
Babies crying? Kick them. Girls screaming for no reason at all? Burn them. Guys giving wise-crack remarks? Tie them to a bed, rape them, boil their left eyeball infornt of them and hang them at girlfriend’s house.
In the snobbish times that the new millennium has brought us in, less and less people are willing to sit down and listen to something that conflicts what they believe in. Pretty much why friendships have become kinda shallow for most of us here.
“I HAVE A DEGREE IN MEDICAL! NOW WHY DOESN’T SUPERMAN JUST FLY ONE ROUND ACROSS THE WORLD AND NAIL THAT GUY FROM THE BACK?!”
Filmmakers do make the effort of preventing audiences from asking “What Ifs” to suck you into the story but then again.. they’re only human beings with unbelievably messy schedules to put up with so naturally some things leak through. But as an educated movie-goer, you should close an eye to little bitty matters. A film itself is meant to suck you away from your problems. Away form the real world. Now, how is it gonna do that if you keep hanging onto the door, being thoroughly anal with your comparison of the real world and the film world? Let your bloody hand go and watch the damn movie. You will NOT regret it. And if the person beside/infront/behind you starts talking, push his mouth into his throat. And if it’s a fat girl... grab her tits and jump up and down to the tune of “Hey Ya”.
A film is hyper-reality. It’s not supposed to “feel real” or anything. Why would you wanna watch an ordinary person’s life? Like Hemingway said,” Stories are like real life.. with the boring parts cut out.”
Rule #6
“How was the movie? Oh... nice lor....”.
BURN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!
Another irritating thing. At least say it with enthusiasm! At least put in, “GO WATCH IT!” when you say it’s nice... in that EXACT manner... caps lock and all.
The worst reviewers would give only a, “It’s nice..” one liner. Like... wow... everyone is in touch with my mind. Ooo. No. Please... tell us WHY it’s nice. Just remember rule #2.
There are actually plenty to watch out for in films. For one... the most universal and POWERFUL and that everyone can relate to is the story. If that story makes you happy, say it’s an ecstasy! For other, more technical (and very anal) aspects of film... one can look at the sets (Finding Neverland) or the cinematography ( Da Vinci Code) or the special effects (Kingdom of Heaven). I used to think that the camera was easy to work. It has to be. Just look at our phone cameras! Just point and shoot!
But no. It’s not.
On film sets... there are usually three people touching the camera at one time; guy who does the focus, guy who does the zoom and guy who does the camera panning and tilting. Some shots get so complicated it takes up to five or seven men operating a simple crane shot.
Lighting gets very anal as well. My upcoming project will show you why it’s so anal.
And if the movie was bad..... do tell us why as well.
Lastly...
Rule #7
There’s this guy we have all heard of... he lives in cramped apartment and spends tons of his time on the computer, researching things and organizing a small time company. He doesn’t work, but saves a lot of people from feeling bad about themselves. Ironically, he’s really not a well-to-do man himself, even though many think he’s the sorta person who accepts whatever that life throws at him. He doesn’t - He risks his wellbeing by using his lunch money for the month to save a friend from a loan shark, he sneaks out of the house at night to embrace a friend whose brother just died and kills people who are whiny, wears pink, is up to date with Japanese/Korean trends and has a pussy 3 inches too tight. Wanna know who this guy is?
He just had seven rules planted into the back of your minds...
WRITING STORIES OWNZ!
Jia Hui I hope you’ve been studying my storytelling notes...
P.S As you might have noticed, I’ve developed this intense biased feelings, that are in no way positive, towards Mass Comm girls. And yeah... to be honest I’ve been a male chauvinist since the dawn of time. For some reason it’s all coming back out now.. all coming back out.....
But why?
Fuck I don’t care. I just feel I’m right!
Btw... I wanna show you guys something.
Remember the previous few entries? The one I was so hoping to get at least some reply to which pics I should send in for a competition and I didn’t even get any?
Well I sent in some...
And...
Here’s what I got in the mail while I was in AMK playing pool.
The Mein Bereich’s Guide To: Watching Movies.
Disclaimer: We all know that everyone’s opinions are as diverse as the amount of jobs you will take if you don’t start deciding your career path now. So whatever I’m about to say here really is.... meh... just don’t take it like I’m being the Big Boss Man or anything. Now off we go to make you turn into an educated movie-goer just because sissy boys and girls love to complain of how ugly some actors are.
Rule #1
Review the damn thing!
Whatever you do, please. READ THE BLOODY SYNOPSIS AT LEAST! I hate it when I hear people go, “AWW I HATE THAT MOVIE KNNCB WASTE MY MONEY SIMLJWTFNVSS LOUSY GV LETS GO TO CATHAY!” and then we realize they have lame excuses like they wanna get into their girl’s pants or THEY DON’T REVIEW THE MOVIE. Please... you dont have to know the ENTIRE story before you come in. At least know what genre and theme the movie has so that you have some expectations. Don’t go into a Jack Neo film hoping to flex those puzzle-solving muscles of yours. If it’s an action/adventure, expect lots of physical action with larger-than life characters. If it’s a thriller, don’t bring your weak-hearted nerd friend. If it’s a melodrama, invite your Channel 8 friends. IMDB.com is da bomb of movie archiving so go there to have a little sneak preview of upcoming movies. Rottentomatoes.com is nice as well. Don’t trust those New Paper reviews. Reviewed by Mass Commers so DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T. THEY DON’T EVEN STUDY MOVIES TO BEGIN WITH!
But if they’re reviewing anything on TV... then yeah ok credits go to them...
Rule #2
Who cares if the actor is NOT cute?!
Every time I have someone say sth along those lines, an image of a wet, fat, sloppy woman with fat cheeks and whiny voice masturbating herself on her mom’s bed comes on my mind. No pun intended. Serious.
To be an educated movie-goer, you need to understand that movies are meant to send out a message.. an eternal message under a theme. The purpose of film is to tell a story and provide a gateway for one to forget about the real world and be sucked into a better one. A hyper real one. If you need eye candy... watch porn. Otherwise, concentrate on the character’s ordeal.... and SLIM DOWN YOU SMELLY BITCH! YOU DON’T LOOK SO CUTE YOURSELF!
Rule #3
Most Hollywood films have a standardized plot.
X-Men3 has been kicked about by quite a lot of us here. I know. I kicked it a bit too. We ALL didn’t get the significance of the gay guy with wings. We ALL didn’t get why Cyclops wasted his screen time by boiling bacteria off from a lake. We ALL didn’t get why Phoenix had black eyes and skin (refer to Rule #2 if you’re making a fuss of it). But after talking over with Tharik about it... I realized that the story actually is complete. But it was executed weakly. Every story... every film in the world has a theme it came out from. The XM series’ theme has always been about treating everyone equally and all that. The wing guy, I figured, was some sort of a symbol. It was a symbol for the theme. The little boy as well I think was a symbol but for the story. Meaning... don’t you realize that whatever that was happening with Wolverine and gang reflected on his actions? They were in danger, he was in jeopardy. When he was saved, the good guys were starting to turn tables.
I have to agree that the story was executed weakly though.
Another thing with plots is that there will always be two sets of storylines. In screenwriting class we learnt that main characters always have two goals; the conscious goal and subconscious. Basically, it’s what the character DESIRES... and what he really NEEDS but doesn’t know it. It’s cool. Simple example – ever seen Cars? Lightning’s desire was to win the Piston Cup. But his need, however, was to have friends and understand that winning isn’t everything (TAKE THAT, GAHMENT CHUMPS!). Goals can be boiled down to simple little things like this. But you know. It’s not how big a dick is... its how you use it. Btw... DO watch Cars. But don’t bring little Bobby. The kid behind me kept going,” I wanna go home~~~” to his mom, who instead was fixed onto the story unfolding onscreen. It really isn’t targeted to young children.
Another thing is that film is limited in plenty of ways. Whenever a film is adapted forma novel or something, there will ALWAYS be complains of it being different to the original. This. Is. NORMAL. Live with it. Film is expensive to produce so they cant make a six hour film by today’s situation. Also, profits profits profits; a film needs to reach out to massive audiences and not just the Bookwormies from your JC Library Club, so yeah... they have to tweak the story here and there somewhat to make the storytelling RICHER and much FULLER and COMPLETE.
Hollywood films tend to favor three-act structures; they intro you to the character, put him in boiling soup and you see them get out of it, and then watch what he does after that. If you look closely during films, you will know when the act breaks. It’s usually when something happens that forces the character to change the way he runs things. The break between the second act and third at is normally the twist in the story; finding out his brother was a 50 year old woman from Uzbekistan or that his son was running the big mofo advertisement that’s killing his company. Stuff like that.
Rule #4
People change. Deal with it, bitch.
Ah yes.... you bitches LOVE talkin about how sexy ur boyfriend is and how much he can sing and how much he can give you a cunninglingus (and you can barely give a fellatio cos you don’t friggin know WHERE our frenelum is!) and suddenly he doesn’t call you at 11pm and the next day you’re turning the Kleenex factory upside down and hanging up posters that read,”ALL MEN ARE LIARS”.
Firstly, you’re a bitch. Guys rule. So die.
Secondly, PEOPLE fUCKING CHANGE! FOR GOD’S SAKE!
In every movie you see, there will inevitably be a change in the main character. This would always be a psychological change rather than him having a bigger anus and a 6 foot dick. It’s pretty predictable; man not treating wife properly, he confesses love to wife in the end. Two brothers always fighting – they have gay sex in the end. But every idea has been raped by everyone in the world so the only thing that differentiates what makes one thing better over the other is the way it’s executed. My Korean Fav of all time, My Brother, executed the melodrama very nicely (I cried... twice... alone... I’m sad.) Cars was predictable but executed perfectly. The story is normal; Mr Brother having two brothers who cant get along cos one’s a tough ookie and the other is a nerd and finally one dies and Cars having this trophy guy thrown into an opposite situation and falling in love yada yada yada. Sounds like something you’ve watched ten thousand times, right? Everyone thinks the same. But the way it’s presented pretty much makes ppl keep coming back for more.
I guess what I just said can pretty much pertain to everything else in the world.
This character arc is pretty much responsible for how we feel about the story. Basically, if we can relate to his problems and what’s a stake, we can literally feel the change he goes through and ultimately, give the movie some kudos and we walk out of the cinema a different person... If you feel like you’ve changed... the filmmaker achieved his goal. If you don’t then this leads us too...
Rule #5
Shut up, dammit!
Babies crying? Kick them. Girls screaming for no reason at all? Burn them. Guys giving wise-crack remarks? Tie them to a bed, rape them, boil their left eyeball infornt of them and hang them at girlfriend’s house.
In the snobbish times that the new millennium has brought us in, less and less people are willing to sit down and listen to something that conflicts what they believe in. Pretty much why friendships have become kinda shallow for most of us here.
“I HAVE A DEGREE IN MEDICAL! NOW WHY DOESN’T SUPERMAN JUST FLY ONE ROUND ACROSS THE WORLD AND NAIL THAT GUY FROM THE BACK?!”
Filmmakers do make the effort of preventing audiences from asking “What Ifs” to suck you into the story but then again.. they’re only human beings with unbelievably messy schedules to put up with so naturally some things leak through. But as an educated movie-goer, you should close an eye to little bitty matters. A film itself is meant to suck you away from your problems. Away form the real world. Now, how is it gonna do that if you keep hanging onto the door, being thoroughly anal with your comparison of the real world and the film world? Let your bloody hand go and watch the damn movie. You will NOT regret it. And if the person beside/infront/behind you starts talking, push his mouth into his throat. And if it’s a fat girl... grab her tits and jump up and down to the tune of “Hey Ya”.
A film is hyper-reality. It’s not supposed to “feel real” or anything. Why would you wanna watch an ordinary person’s life? Like Hemingway said,” Stories are like real life.. with the boring parts cut out.”
Rule #6
“How was the movie? Oh... nice lor....”.
BURN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!
Another irritating thing. At least say it with enthusiasm! At least put in, “GO WATCH IT!” when you say it’s nice... in that EXACT manner... caps lock and all.
The worst reviewers would give only a, “It’s nice..” one liner. Like... wow... everyone is in touch with my mind. Ooo. No. Please... tell us WHY it’s nice. Just remember rule #2.
There are actually plenty to watch out for in films. For one... the most universal and POWERFUL and that everyone can relate to is the story. If that story makes you happy, say it’s an ecstasy! For other, more technical (and very anal) aspects of film... one can look at the sets (Finding Neverland) or the cinematography ( Da Vinci Code) or the special effects (Kingdom of Heaven). I used to think that the camera was easy to work. It has to be. Just look at our phone cameras! Just point and shoot!
But no. It’s not.
On film sets... there are usually three people touching the camera at one time; guy who does the focus, guy who does the zoom and guy who does the camera panning and tilting. Some shots get so complicated it takes up to five or seven men operating a simple crane shot.
Lighting gets very anal as well. My upcoming project will show you why it’s so anal.
And if the movie was bad..... do tell us why as well.
Lastly...
Rule #7
There’s this guy we have all heard of... he lives in cramped apartment and spends tons of his time on the computer, researching things and organizing a small time company. He doesn’t work, but saves a lot of people from feeling bad about themselves. Ironically, he’s really not a well-to-do man himself, even though many think he’s the sorta person who accepts whatever that life throws at him. He doesn’t - He risks his wellbeing by using his lunch money for the month to save a friend from a loan shark, he sneaks out of the house at night to embrace a friend whose brother just died and kills people who are whiny, wears pink, is up to date with Japanese/Korean trends and has a pussy 3 inches too tight. Wanna know who this guy is?
He just had seven rules planted into the back of your minds...
WRITING STORIES OWNZ!
Jia Hui I hope you’ve been studying my storytelling notes...
P.S As you might have noticed, I’ve developed this intense biased feelings, that are in no way positive, towards Mass Comm girls. And yeah... to be honest I’ve been a male chauvinist since the dawn of time. For some reason it’s all coming back out now.. all coming back out.....
But why?
Fuck I don’t care. I just feel I’m right!
Btw... I wanna show you guys something.
Remember the previous few entries? The one I was so hoping to get at least some reply to which pics I should send in for a competition and I didn’t even get any?
Well I sent in some...
And...
Here’s what I got in the mail while I was in AMK playing pool.
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