Nothing Better Than Being Alive

Wednesday, March 04, 2009 | 0 comments

I saw the rainbow last week. I was on duty that time, wet from the shower earlier on. It was pretty magical, really. The rainbow formed right in front of my eyes, and I had a good view from the top of the hill. I saw the end of the rainbow, or the start of it. It was there, right on Pioneer JC's tennis courts. No pots of gold, though. Only wet rubber pads.

The rainbow grew. And it grew really large. Now that same end of the rainbow was over on the KJE expressway. It was a magnificent sight. I felt so small. So tiny. I looked at it, stared at it. And they looked like ribs that hold up the sky, never will it shatter onto Choa Chu Kang.

I rushed for the guardroom's camera. And I stood up there on that hill. I've been on this hill many times, looking out. And I snapped away - my rifle hanging across my chest. It seemed pretty useless because there's no way the pictures are ever going to leave camp. But something tells me to take it anyways.

It was pretty surreal. The sunset behind set a dramatic ambience against the dark clouds in front. The night guards gathered on the road and cars stopped on the hill. Some would take a glance, roll their eyes, and walk on. As if time has its cold grip on their throats. Others would smile, give a comment, and move off. Most, though, would stare in awe. It was only an illusion of light. There's nothing to it.

Then again, music is only mathematics in motion.

It's different nowadays. I've stopped writing anything for a very long time. My guitar is propped against the wall. My camera lays dead. It's sole purpose now is to fill up a bag that I carry around every time. A dead weight.

Maybe I'm uninspired.

Or maybe I've lost it. I've lost any inspiration to do anything. Right after I went back to being a 'professional'. It's the curse of money, I suppose. And it's been a burden on me forever.

I find that once I've been offered a paid job, every ounce of creativity or ideas I've ever had magically disintegrates. I fall back on rigid rules of 'creativity'. I fall back on elitist ideals of what is, and what isn't. The end product is rarely anything I've ever been proud of. Part of the reason why I rarely ever 'charge for (my) services'.

But what can I say?

I've only 3 dollars in my bank account. Soon enough, I'll have to bite the bullet and sit through a ton of discomfort... for survival's sake.

Maybe, along the way, I might just like it.

Posted by Audi Labels: Musings , Reflections

The Moment Before Fame.

Saturday, February 28, 2009 | 0 comments

My little piece of history.

Over at that seat. Flashing lights, booming beats.
High on the gallery, behind camera fleets.
I've been here before.

Up on the beam. In the bowels of a battleship.
Sweat. Rust. Bitter taste of rope string.

Now here I am. Dressed up. Front, center.
Laughing. Smiling. Perfume in a can.
I've been here before.

Posted by Audi Labels: Experimental , Photography

Closed My Eyes

Friday, February 27, 2009 | 0 comments

The rattle of a closing aperture. The film slows down.

Born again, dancing, in the shoes of a legend.

In this fantasy, you are a reality.

And I never want to leave.

Posted by Audi Labels: Experimental , Photography

Time Unknown

Sunday, February 22, 2009 | 0 comments

Only in the confines of my room can I bring myself to familiar worlds unknown.
I never want to leave.

Posted by Audi Labels: Experimental , Photography

What Camera Is This?

Friday, February 20, 2009 | 0 comments

I was about to clean my room when I found a box that contained this gem.

See, this is why my room will never be clean. There's so much shit to look at.

I think it's a Lomo camera. I received this as a free gift from... Tampines Mall... sometime in 2001.

I thought it was a bloody toy so I chucked it in a corner.

The question is... what kind of Lomo camera?

Ah, film!

I'm going out to buy a roll of 400ISO film to test this thing out. Will post the results over the weekend.

Posted by Audi Labels: Experimental , My Life , Photography

Comfort in Hell

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 | 0 comments

I've received quite an unexpected response to "Jayden 21". I'd like to thank all who watched it (whether or not you liked it...) and it's given me quite a much needed push to experiment more with film.

Granted, it's NOT the best shot or best colored or best edited or best visual effects (I think it was overdone) but there seems to be something right going on in there. I have a feeling it's got something to do with why I was a fail-person in Poly. There were 'rules' to follow that were supposedly 'right' and most of the time should guarantee a kick-ass product. Yes, that's what I said. Product.

This time round I did this video with nothing but the feeling I had after reading this blog post and the comment I left after. I had more to say that I couldn't put in words. One thing led to another, and there I was splicing clips together.

I didn't make this for fame, awards, money, or pseudo-anti-authority. I did this because I had a message to say. And that, I think, is where every creative person's work should stem from.

Sunset at Sembawang.

But enough of that. My still camera sits still in a corner now but the pen is still moving. I'm having a few ideas popping out every now and then. Even the rock and roll tracks have been on hold lately giving way, instead, to piano music. In fact, you can listen to my current playlist here.

But such is the volatility of the mind, and the cruel nature of luck. I have been in a depressed state since an incident that happened a while ago. I'm all smiles in camp but it's been difficult to focus on work and I find myself sleeping my feelings off in camp. I skipped meals and did silly things like swallow half a bag of sugar powder (was for some doughnuts) and cable-tied an orange and threw it down the hill. Once, I even found myself wandering around camp in sandals on my way to the Medical Centre. But I stopped to walk on top of the hill and look across the sky.

I guess it's that feeling where you want nobody around you... but when you close your eyes you want somebody to be there with you. That makes no fucking sense, I know.

The recent approval on the video has somewhat lifted this feeling off my chest. There wasn't a dense blue mist anymore. The sun was brighter and the air was light. But a big part of me is scrambling up to pull back that feeling of dread. I guess when you spend so much time in hell, you start loving it. Isn't that why some ex-prisoners commit crimes just to get back in?

There's comfort I find drowning in this ocean. When the numbness sets in and your ears deafened by the thudding of your heart, you release the few bubbles of life and you see them float to the twinkling sun. It's that moment of inner peace and tranquility. If only I could live in that moment forever, with death a beat away.

I'm feeling better now, but I don't think I'm quite happy with that. I can't hold my pen much longer.

Posted by Audi Labels: My Life , National Service , Reflections

Experimental Video: Silent Dancer

Monday, February 16, 2009 | 0 comments

This is the first video I've put together after a two-year hiatus.

In writing, I hide the true meaning of my words with awkward metaphors and subtle hints. This film tries to replicate that through its rhythm, shot selection and style. My strength has never been in creating fanciful flashy designs.

This one's dedicated to our very good friend. Take one for the road.

Posted by Audi Labels: Experimental , Filmmaking , My Life

Recent Developments.

Saturday, February 14, 2009 | 0 comments

Here's what I'm working on at the moment.

Time for a break. Heading to town.

Oh, yeah...

Happy Singles Appreciation Day, everybody!

Posted by Audi Labels: I did it for the lulz

Musings: King Of My Hill

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 | 0 comments

I sit on the stage with posters of me laid in the dozens of rolls. A person walks up and I stand up to shake her hand. A picture is taken and I smile. A signature is drawn and the next one comes. Repeat.

I've led quite a life to sit on this stage, high above the heads of the people, but never too high for cameras pointing down at me from the balcony. I've made music that made fathers cry and children dream. I've written books that inspire and change a person with mere written words. I'd left my gun in the ground in exchange for security found in a pen. I've touched the lives of the people around me with seemingly mundane actions like a conversation or a single picture taken at the right time to forever cement that special moment of their lives for the rest of time. The very words I speak have been delicately plucked from my library of life experience.

To some, I am everything. I have all the money and fame anyone could every enjoy.

A little girl walks up. She's young and impressionable. I stand up to shake her hand and I could see she's overcome with fear and anxiousness. Yet, she yelps in excitement at our meet. I sign another poster, unrolled without much thought from the stack, and take a photo with this girl. I thank her for coming to the event and shake her hand. She is moved to tears. I am like a god.

"Oh..." she shyly covers her little tender lips. "... is there anything you cannot do?"

I thought of that that question and I smiled. My posters hang all over the building, gently waving with every gust of wind.

"That's a very good question," I said. "I'll have to think that through. And I'll answer it in my next publishing. I'd love to know the name of this beautiful girl who presented me with this question."

Lisa, was her name. And I wrote it down on paper. I kept it in my breast pocket and patted it to assure her. A nod goodbye and I turned to the next person. What a humbling question.

Is it possible for a man to still be unhappy with himself even though he's done so much good and lived such a rich life?

Is there, really, nothing else I could do at this point of time, with all my wealth and satisfaction? If yes, then, I ask, wouldn't it be better to live in a ball, with no perception of the world outside. Surrounded in a lie of blindness to the senses with nothing to compare anything to.

Wouldn't everybody be happy, that way? After all, isn't this how most of us live our lives? In our little ball created by ourselves. What we cannot relate to from our experiences in life, we shun away. What isn't in our knowledge, is impossible.

A man who has seen death everyday will think nothing of it than a man who stares at it for the first time. A man caught up in the machine sees nothing else than the perfect machine, even if it's obsolete.

Is our bubble too big? Is our bubble too small?

Is this man happy because he dreamed of little in life, or is this man unhappy because he dreamed of too much? This man believes there is no such thing as the color blue because where he comes from, his family, his underground home, there is no such thing, and it's absurd to think there might be a color in this spectrum of light. In fact, questioning this itself grants you a ticket to the noose.

Have faith, we have it all covered, they say.

How would you answer Lisa's question?

Posted by Audi Labels: Musings , My Life

Musings: The Superficial Idiot

Sunday, February 08, 2009 | 0 comments

It seems there's very little I find amusing in the material world. While others gawk at my camera, or the colorful things I produce, my reaction isn't similar but, rather, the opposite. Sadness. For the few things I feel I should be commended upon lays right in front of them but is unseen.

This camera, this guitar, these videos are nothing more but an extension of a busy convulsive mind that's raging in silence yearning to be heard across the world. Can anyone ever look at these child-like photos and say there's a reason I took this, without all its aesthetic rape?

Is this, really, a matter of perception? That my countrymen are mostly superficial idiots attracted to pretty colors, flash and bang, and casual intercourse and see nothing beyond that? Can this be extended to the rest of the world's current population?

Or is it, really, that my countrymen are highly intellectual and that they see no need to the let the world know of their musings? The things in their head, they keep to themselves, and no need to be the village savior?

In effect, this makes me the superficial idiot, doesn't it?

Posted by Audi Labels: Musings , My Life , Reflections

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		Normality Wednesday, March 04, 2009 \| 0 comments I saw the rainbow last week. I was on duty that time, wet from the shower earlier on. It was pretty magical, really. The rainbow formed right in front of my eyes, and I had a good view from the top of the hill. I saw the end of the rainbow, or the start of it. It was there, right on Pioneer JC's tennis courts. No pots of gold, though. Only wet rubber pads. The rainbow grew. And it grew really large. Now that same end of the rainbow was over on the KJE expressway. It was a magnificent sight. I felt so small. So tiny. I looked at it, stared at it. And they looked like ribs that hold up the sky, never will it shatter onto Choa Chu Kang. I rushed for the guardroom's camera. And I stood up there on that hill. I've been on this hill many times, looking out. And I snapped away - my rifle hanging across my chest. It seemed pretty useless because there's no way the pictures are ever going to leave camp. But something tells me to take it anyways. It was pretty surreal. The sunset behind set a dramatic ambience against the dark clouds in front. The night guards gathered on the road and cars stopped on the hill. Some would take a glance, roll their eyes, and walk on. As if time has its cold grip on their throats. Others would smile, give a comment, and move off. Most, though, would stare in awe. It was only an illusion of light. There's nothing to it. Then again, music is only mathematics in motion. It's different nowadays. I've stopped writing anything for a very long time. My guitar is propped against the wall. My camera lays dead. It's sole purpose now is to fill up a bag that I carry around every time. A dead weight. Maybe I'm uninspired. Or maybe I've lost it. I've lost any inspiration to do anything. Right after I went back to being a 'professional'. It's the curse of money, I suppose. And it's been a burden on me forever. I find that once I've been offered a paid job, every ounce of creativity or ideas I've ever had magically disintegrates. I fall back on rigid rules of 'creativity'. I fall back on elitist ideals of what is, and what isn't. The end product is rarely anything I've ever been proud of. Part of the reason why I rarely ever 'charge for (my) services'. But what can I say? I've only 3 dollars in my bank account. Soon enough, I'll have to bite the bullet and sit through a ton of discomfort... for survival's sake. Maybe, along the way, I might just like it. Posted by Audi Labels: Musings , Reflections The Moment Before Fame. Saturday, February 28, 2009 \| 0 comments My little piece of history. Over at that seat. Flashing lights, booming beats. High on the gallery, behind camera fleets. I've been here before. Up on the beam. In the bowels of a battleship. Sweat. Rust. Bitter taste of rope string. Now here I am. Dressed up. Front, center. Laughing. Smiling. Perfume in a can. I've been here before. Posted by Audi Labels: Experimental , Photography Closed My Eyes Friday, February 27, 2009 \| 0 comments The rattle of a closing aperture. The film slows down. Born again, dancing, in the shoes of a legend. In this fantasy, you are a reality. And I never want to leave. Posted by Audi Labels: Experimental , Photography Time Unknown Sunday, February 22, 2009 \| 0 comments Only in the confines of my room can I bring myself to familiar worlds unknown. I never want to leave. Posted by Audi Labels: Experimental , Photography What Camera Is This? Friday, February 20, 2009 \| 0 comments I was about to clean my room when I found a box that contained this gem. See, this is why my room will never be clean. There's so much shit to look at. I think it's a Lomo camera. I received this as a free gift from... Tampines Mall... sometime in 2001. I thought it was a bloody toy so I chucked it in a corner. The question is... what kind of Lomo camera? Ah, film! I'm going out to buy a roll of 400ISO film to test this thing out. Will post the results over the weekend. Posted by Audi Labels: Experimental , My Life , Photography Comfort in Hell Wednesday, February 18, 2009 \| 0 comments I've received quite an unexpected response to "Jayden 21". I'd like to thank all who watched it (whether or not you liked it...) and it's given me quite a much needed push to experiment more with film. Granted, it's NOT the best shot or best colored or best edited or best visual effects (I think it was overdone) but there seems to be something right going on in there. I have a feeling it's got something to do with why I was a fail-person in Poly. There were 'rules' to follow that were supposedly 'right' and most of the time should guarantee a kick-ass product. Yes, that's what I said. Product. This time round I did this video with nothing but the feeling I had after reading this blog post and the comment I left after. I had more to say that I couldn't put in words. One thing led to another, and there I was splicing clips together. I didn't make this for fame, awards, money, or pseudo-anti-authority. I did this because I had a message to say. And that, I think, is where every creative person's work should stem from. Sunset at Sembawang. But enough of that. My still camera sits still in a corner now but the pen is still moving. I'm having a few ideas popping out every now and then. Even the rock and roll tracks have been on hold lately giving way, instead, to piano music. In fact, you can listen to my current playlist here. But such is the volatility of the mind, and the cruel nature of luck. I have been in a depressed state since an incident that happened a while ago. I'm all smiles in camp but it's been difficult to focus on work and I find myself sleeping my feelings off in camp. I skipped meals and did silly things like swallow half a bag of sugar powder (was for some doughnuts) and cable-tied an orange and threw it down the hill. Once, I even found myself wandering around camp in sandals on my way to the Medical Centre. But I stopped to walk on top of the hill and look across the sky. I guess it's that feeling where you want nobody around you... but when you close your eyes you want somebody to be there with you. That makes no fucking sense, I know. The recent approval on the video has somewhat lifted this feeling off my chest. There wasn't a dense blue mist anymore. The sun was brighter and the air was light. But a big part of me is scrambling up to pull back that feeling of dread. I guess when you spend so much time in hell, you start loving it. Isn't that why some ex-prisoners commit crimes just to get back in? There's comfort I find drowning in this ocean. When the numbness sets in and your ears deafened by the thudding of your heart, you release the few bubbles of life and you see them float to the twinkling sun. It's that moment of inner peace and tranquility. If only I could live in that moment forever, with death a beat away. I'm feeling better now, but I don't think I'm quite happy with that. I can't hold my pen much longer. Posted by Audi Labels: My Life , National Service , Reflections Experimental Video: Silent Dancer Monday, February 16, 2009 \| 0 comments This is the first video I've put together after a two-year hiatus. In writing, I hide the true meaning of my words with awkward metaphors and subtle hints. This film tries to replicate that through its rhythm, shot selection and style. My strength has never been in creating fanciful flashy designs. This one's dedicated to our very good friend. Take one for the road. Posted by Audi Labels: Experimental , Filmmaking , My Life Recent Developments. Saturday, February 14, 2009 \| 0 comments Here's what I'm working on at the moment. Time for a break. Heading to town. Oh, yeah... Happy Singles Appreciation Day, everybody! Posted by Audi Labels: I did it for the lulz Musings: King Of My Hill Wednesday, February 11, 2009 \| 0 comments I sit on the stage with posters of me laid in the dozens of rolls. A person walks up and I stand up to shake her hand. A picture is taken and I smile. A signature is drawn and the next one comes. Repeat. I've led quite a life to sit on this stage, high above the heads of the people, but never too high for cameras pointing down at me from the balcony. I've made music that made fathers cry and children dream. I've written books that inspire and change a person with mere written words. I'd left my gun in the ground in exchange for security found in a pen. I've touched the lives of the people around me with seemingly mundane actions like a conversation or a single picture taken at the right time to forever cement that special moment of their lives for the rest of time. The very words I speak have been delicately plucked from my library of life experience. To some, I am everything. I have all the money and fame anyone could every enjoy. A little girl walks up. She's young and impressionable. I stand up to shake her hand and I could see she's overcome with fear and anxiousness. Yet, she yelps in excitement at our meet. I sign another poster, unrolled without much thought from the stack, and take a photo with this girl. I thank her for coming to the event and shake her hand. She is moved to tears. I am like a god. "Oh..." she shyly covers her little tender lips. "... is there anything you cannot do?" I thought of that that question and I smiled. My posters hang all over the building, gently waving with every gust of wind. "That's a very good question," I said. "I'll have to think that through. And I'll answer it in my next publishing. I'd love to know the name of this beautiful girl who presented me with this question." Lisa, was her name. And I wrote it down on paper. I kept it in my breast pocket and patted it to assure her. A nod goodbye and I turned to the next person. What a humbling question. Is it possible for a man to still be unhappy with himself even though he's done so much good and lived such a rich life? Is there, really, nothing else I could do at this point of time, with all my wealth and satisfaction? If yes, then, I ask, wouldn't it be better to live in a ball, with no perception of the world outside. Surrounded in a lie of blindness to the senses with nothing to compare anything to. Wouldn't everybody be happy, that way? After all, isn't this how most of us live our lives? In our little ball created by ourselves. What we cannot relate to from our experiences in life, we shun away. What isn't in our knowledge, is impossible. A man who has seen death everyday will think nothing of it than a man who stares at it for the first time. A man caught up in the machine sees nothing else than the perfect machine, even if it's obsolete. Is our bubble too big? Is our bubble too small? Is this man happy because he dreamed of little in life, or is this man unhappy because he dreamed of too much? This man believes there is no such thing as the color blue because where he comes from, his family, his underground home, there is no such thing, and it's absurd to think there might be a color in this spectrum of light. In fact, questioning this itself grants you a ticket to the noose. Have faith, we have it all covered, they say. How would you answer Lisa's question? Posted by Audi Labels: Musings , My Life Musings: The Superficial Idiot Sunday, February 08, 2009 \| 0 comments It seems there's very little I find amusing in the material world. While others gawk at my camera, or the colorful things I produce, my reaction isn't similar but, rather, the opposite. Sadness. For the few things I feel I should be commended upon lays right in front of them but is unseen. This camera, this guitar, these videos are nothing more but an extension of a busy convulsive mind that's raging in silence yearning to be heard across the world. Can anyone ever look at these child-like photos and say there's a reason I took this, without all its aesthetic rape? Is this, really, a matter of perception? That my countrymen are mostly superficial idiots attracted to pretty colors, flash and bang, and casual intercourse and see nothing beyond that? Can this be extended to the rest of the world's current population? Or is it, really, that my countrymen are highly intellectual and that they see no need to the let the world know of their musings? The things in their head, they keep to themselves, and no need to be the village savior? In effect, this makes me the superficial idiot, doesn't it? Posted by Audi Labels: Musings , My Life , Reflections Newer Posts Older Posts Home	Search Subscribe to this blog. Leave a comment! Or a note at the Chatbox below! Thanks! Twitter Updates Plurk Plurk.com Be a Fan Omg, a chatbox! 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(23) Reflections (22) Travel and Adventure (21) Henry (17) Musings (9) Experimental (8) Events (6) Sylvester Sim (5) Gaming and Tech (1) About Me Audi Khalid 28th January 1988 Yishun, Singapore Currently serving National Service. ! BLOG STATUS !: Upcoming Posts: