Dear Cheryl,
Here I am, rewriting a letter to you. I found out today that what I wrote to your the last time, about how i changed, was totally out of point and far from the objective of the question given to me in class. The proper question here is; How have you changed me?
Plenty of times, people from my childhood have changed me. But you, Cheryl, you are still the one I remember the clearest. So clear, I think I can feel you beside me.
The very moment Aizzat came up to me that day about what had happened to you, I felt as if I was pulled up and away from the universe by force. It was painful. I was shocked. I was angry. I went through a moody rainbow of emotions. I believe it was that moment that rewired my nervous system and called for a total revolution of principles. And the very fact that, even till now, I have yet to discover your grave, my principles have stood strong.
Because of you Cheryl, my perception of love has changed. I am, in fact, afraid to love. I am afraid of going through that already familiar feeling of hopelessness and distraught. I have developed a phobia. A phobia of losing a woman. Your death has influenced frequent lapses of pain and suffocation whenever I see a person I have feelings for. I am scared. Truly. I cannot afford, I dont want, I hate, to see another friend die when I am still alive.
I became numb to feelings for the longest time ever, slowly regaining them in my legs recently. You have driven me to protect my friends, no matter what the outcome, support them and praise them to the high heavens and condemn anyone who speaks bad of them. I have taken plenty of emotional bruises and caused many as well, just to protect my people. You have taught me life's fragility. Life's unpredictibility and life's inevitable end. I have pledged to live my life to its fullest, and help others do the same. And i have kept it ever since. You were the driving force. The great woman that controls the power of a man.
I have slapped myself out of nerdhood and into a different class of my own. I became twisted. I have twisted principles, thanks to you. I am pissed at your jokes. I am pissed at you flirting with me! I am pissed that I can still feel your hands warm in mine. I am pissed that I could still feel your presence whenever I lean on a wall...... which pretty much explains why I always lean on them. It has become a habit. That was the last position we were in before you left; we leaned on our sides, arms crossed and facing each other. Sometimes, when I talk to people in that position, I SEE YOU.
However, I am still not lost. I walk out of the challenge more immune to hurt and provoking people. But I will always be scarred by you. I dont know whether to love you or hate you.
Regards,
Audi
Here I am, rewriting a letter to you. I found out today that what I wrote to your the last time, about how i changed, was totally out of point and far from the objective of the question given to me in class. The proper question here is; How have you changed me?
Plenty of times, people from my childhood have changed me. But you, Cheryl, you are still the one I remember the clearest. So clear, I think I can feel you beside me.
The very moment Aizzat came up to me that day about what had happened to you, I felt as if I was pulled up and away from the universe by force. It was painful. I was shocked. I was angry. I went through a moody rainbow of emotions. I believe it was that moment that rewired my nervous system and called for a total revolution of principles. And the very fact that, even till now, I have yet to discover your grave, my principles have stood strong.
Because of you Cheryl, my perception of love has changed. I am, in fact, afraid to love. I am afraid of going through that already familiar feeling of hopelessness and distraught. I have developed a phobia. A phobia of losing a woman. Your death has influenced frequent lapses of pain and suffocation whenever I see a person I have feelings for. I am scared. Truly. I cannot afford, I dont want, I hate, to see another friend die when I am still alive.
I became numb to feelings for the longest time ever, slowly regaining them in my legs recently. You have driven me to protect my friends, no matter what the outcome, support them and praise them to the high heavens and condemn anyone who speaks bad of them. I have taken plenty of emotional bruises and caused many as well, just to protect my people. You have taught me life's fragility. Life's unpredictibility and life's inevitable end. I have pledged to live my life to its fullest, and help others do the same. And i have kept it ever since. You were the driving force. The great woman that controls the power of a man.
I have slapped myself out of nerdhood and into a different class of my own. I became twisted. I have twisted principles, thanks to you. I am pissed at your jokes. I am pissed at you flirting with me! I am pissed that I can still feel your hands warm in mine. I am pissed that I could still feel your presence whenever I lean on a wall...... which pretty much explains why I always lean on them. It has become a habit. That was the last position we were in before you left; we leaned on our sides, arms crossed and facing each other. Sometimes, when I talk to people in that position, I SEE YOU.
However, I am still not lost. I walk out of the challenge more immune to hurt and provoking people. But I will always be scarred by you. I dont know whether to love you or hate you.
Regards,
Audi
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Audi
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