When I woke up the next morning from the Esplanade show last Monday, I had major pains throughout my body. I was already sneezing by that time so I called the office and told him I might be down with a fever.
Well, it's Friday now and I'm still on the road to recovery.
It's a pretty funny fever, this one. I didn't get sick on Ubin, don't tell me I got sick at Esplanade. This fever was pretty big as well. I couldn't walk, stand up straight or even speak for long. Everything around me was yellow or had this yellow hue. For a moment I thought I had jaundice or something. Uncle Jimmy asked if I had offended anything.
I don't think so. If anything, I think our "brothers" have been pretty comfortable with me around.
Uncle Jimmy nursed me back to health with Chinese medicine and a round of 'gua sha' and within the day I was able to walk again. I recommend you get a round of gua sha massage from him. Works wonders.
This whole week when I was sick I can't really do much but lay down and day dream. I spent nights in the dark laying on my back and stretching my feet or feeling the bed frame... that sort of thing. This feeling.... this "childhood feeling"... I don't know if I'm the only one that recognizes it... the kind where you can feel, sense, smell and hear like you were back in primary school again... that feeling. When the feeling returned I was overjoyed in a way. It was a luxury because it brought me back to the time where responsibilities were lesser and you don't easily screw your name up everyday.
I thought about NS, which is a week from now. I still can't shake this feeling that something's about to happen this month down the road. Some sort of emergency. I tried to reason with myself, saying it's just me scared of being in a new environment. I don't think so. My everyday occupation already tells that I'm not afraid of new environments.
I guess it's been my lifelong dream to die in uniform. Well, not exactly my dream... but literally a dream I had. It was back when I was younger. Not exactly sure when. But for a period of time I had recurring dreams of dying in uniform. And it was always after disembarking from a vehicle, on a beach, facing inland and getting shot in the head. Then again, everyone dreams of a heroic death.
The first night I had the fever, the Projections 08 was scheduled in school. It's basically a screening of all the IBP films from my batch of FSVs.
By then I was a walking doorknob. My entire body was numb and my head hurt like hell. But I had to bring my parents over to see the films. It's at least something small I could do.
So I came in dressed in rags, my cap pulled down to the lowest to cover my face and a face towel in my hands to blow my runny nose. I didn't give a damn about who was there in the screening. I only saw Leanord since he was standing at the door and I gave him a quick wave.
The entire Projections was a bore. It was 3 hours long. I heard from people that our batch had one the best output of films. Well... what a waste. The sound on most of them was crap... and I recall that group of dicks calling themselves sound people walking around school boasting about how they have their own audio studio and all the funny effects.
I saw the film that got the "Best Film Award" and I shook my head in disgust. The picture is nice. Oh it was fantastic. But otherwise.... nothing much to talk about. Some of the other films were really bad. One of them actually looked like it was made by Secondary school AV club members. I can tell exactly which one... but the hint is... it's the one that has a gun. That sucked balls.
When Don and Daryl's film came up, I was relieved. It was the only thing I came there for. I was in their group but I'd never watched our own film before. Blame it on my attitude (I was already travelling everywhere with TSP by then).
Don gave me his word that it was nothing like we ever saw in those useless meetings we had with advisors. Turns out, Don was right. I really liked the film on the first run. It was a bittersweet thing for us I guess. We know how much we shot, how many different versions we could churn out and how many times we had to reshoot scenes. It was a funny thing... our production crew went from seven people (the biggest group!) to four people. The final four was nobody else but Don, Daryl, Rahman and me.
After Projections I quickly walked out of the building, passing by my classmates who were gathering and cheering in the middle of the aisles. I stood outside in the night where it was a bit warm.... but I was shivering to the bones already. The fever got worse by then and I had to leave. I didn't even stay for the reception or met up with Don to greet him.
Back at home, I passed out on my bed.
I don't remember what time of the night was it, but I was woken up by someone shouting. I remember it clearly - "INDONESIAN EARTHQUAKE!" and "STOP SMOKING!"
It went on for quite a while and I started kicking around. The voice still wouldn't go away so I said to myself, "Fuck it" and turned to my side to sleep. I don't know whose voice was it, but it was right beside me, and it kept on shouting until I went to sleep again.
The next morning I told Uncle Jimmy about it and he told me to keep that in mind and that I was blessed. Honestly, this isn't my first time having some anonymous being coming to me in my sleep and telling me stuff. The other one I had was in Ubin.
I was dreaming about the day that just passed and suddenly all the characters in the dream e.g. the cast and crew, started to speak differently. I remember Ah Nam very clearly. He was squatting and he turned to me and in a down-to-earth manner said, "Don't masturbate hor. Don't do at night."
It's hilarious to hear in retrospect but it sounded like a warning at that time since it was one of our first nights and things around were still "new". Another voice said, "Burn josstick okay."
So if anyone asks, that was the reason why I burned a josstick every two nights in ubin. And yes I didn't jack off.
The days before we left Ubin i overheard that every other person had at least one "encounter" during the nights we stayed there whereas mine was peaceful as hell. What was even more amusing was once when Neil, one of the art department, was sleeping on the top floor of the chalet. You climb up the stairs and you're basically climbing into their room.
What happened here was I somehow woke up early, and was the only one awake... everyone else overslept. Normally i'd be the last to wake up. I climbed the stairs and peeked over at the bed just in time to see Neil kick his leg in the air. Now, he is one big-sized mofo and to see him jerk that hard is something. I climbed to the foot of his bed and leaned over to wake him up. But by then he was already half awake and was spooked when he saw me at the foot of his bed.
It was only after we were about to leave Ubin that he told me that night someone poked his ribs again and the time I saw him jerk was the time it happened. It's amusing for me because at that point of time, in that room, looking at him, there was another being with us and right beside Neil, poking him.
It's my last week before NS. Better get my stuff ready.
It's been a week since the end of the Pulau Hantu shoot on the 25th of May. I took a few days rest... though it was difficult to find time for it. I did a lot of miracles on Ubin and that was fun yet tiring. We barely had six hours of sleep for two weeks. But that wasn't so bad compared to the next couple of days we shot back on the mainland.
After the human torch stunt I did, I received a small bit of fanfare especially from the make-up girls. There was one I liked to flirt with and it was a funny thing; she wanted it, I acted like I didn't. One point of time we even "quarrelled" on set because she deemed me very un-gentlemanly for not offering a seat for her. I was never known to be a gentleman... not after the cunts from secondary school. On the last day however we had this moment after the AD claimed production was over. We stood along the corridor of Monk's Hill Secondary. It was night, and near pitch-black. She and I stood there. We knew what was on our minds but I wasn't ready for a relationship nor a night of raunchy sex. I find it kind of cute how it played out. We stared at each other, grins on our faces. We nodded. She sheepishly blurted,"Bye. Thanks."
I gave a smile and went,"You too. Thanks."
I gave her a tight hug that lasted a couple of seconds longer than usual and she giggled when I looked at her again. It sent shivers up my spine because I found the entire situation melodramatic.
But then there's another girl doing wardrobe that I then really thought of. She's older... and I liked that. But nothing really happened since I knew I was too immature to start anything with a girl her age. I've got nothing to show.
Like I said, before I digressed, it was difficult to find time to rest. All I wanted was a full day of sitting in front of my X360 and hammering at GTA IV. But I was committed to Uncle Jimmy. I cleaned the weapons to send back to CISCO. It's not easy when some parts were caked with mud and the gunpowder residue in the chamber started to become pasty.
Work seems to have never stopped for me since I joined The Stunt Production exactly a year ago. Even after Pulau Hantu I was going around for meetings at FEG and event companies and discussing scripts and films with other people. I was basically tagging along with Uncle Jimmy and we've gone to the relationship where we knew who has what task. I found myself to be the secretary and logistics person. Just the past couple of days I was breaking down a script for an upcoming feature film set in World War 2 and doing logistics calculation for stunts. Uncle Jimmy never reads scripts and we have had some problems occur because of that. I felt we needed to cover our asses somehow.
We were over at the Esplanade yesterday to hand over a couple of carbines to a theatre play for the Singapore Arts Festival. I was standing outside the theatre hall, listening to the schedules, when Uncle Jimmy said,"Eh... isn't your graduation tomorrow?"
Turns out, it was. I forgot about my graduation ceremony... how about that?
My parents were overly excited about my graduation day. I understand why... they're parents, after all. They were very meticulous about the condition of the robe... who got what awards... who is who on the prize list and so on. I never understood that part. All the while I'm constantly thinking of the next shoot and what effects are going to be used. Anything related to school left my mind since I worked on Mediacorp earlier this year. To me, school became just another excuse for a piece of paper.
I went back to school today for graduation. I met Don and Kwang Wei first. Then the usual people I always hung out with. These were great people I liked. We clicked and talked. Remember how I mentioned I hated it when people start a conversation with "So, what are you doing now?". Well, it didn't happen with them. The others, though, were a bunch of asses. I remember guys who were... dicks... in school. There's no other way to describe them. These are the colorful bunch of dicks who have absolutely no sense of whatever they are doing but tell people what to do and criticize others. You know that guy who laughs at every mistake other groups make in their films? Giving sarcastic one liners hoping someone will laugh? He's the guy everyone is annoyed with? And for some reason those who hang out with that guy are a bunch of dicks themselves? Yeah.. those guys.
I've been working non-stop since I left school and these guys have probably been at home jacking off the whole time and watching artsy films, memorizing lines in movies and calling themselves a film student. Then here they come to everyone with the most annoying question - what have you been doing? Where are you working now?
The most annoying thing is that they give this little smirk when you tell them what you're doing and then they lash you with sarcastic comments.
In the words of Jimmy Low, I say,"Fuck these bastards."
Daryl came around late and we didn't have the chance to get face-to-face till the moments before we went up to receive our piece of paper. It was like seeing an old friend again. I gave him a hug and that's when I realised I've been pretty much of a bastard myself. I haven't kept in contact with any of my poly mates since January except when it was work related. In a way, I vanished. I find it rude since these were the guys who hammered me on my IBP for my own good and the time we spent on the road in the wee hours in the night was just invaluable. We were like a band on the road armed with just the clothes on our back dreaming of the day to perform on a big stage at a sold-out arena. That, my friends, is something not many Singaporeans our age could understand anymore.
Throughout the ceremony I watched as the prize winners came up to receive whatever extra things they "achieved". Kwang Wei and I were laughing at the many varieties of "Cock Awards" given out. A couple received a Mediacorp award and that was the punchline. I find the entire thing a vanity parade. Here I am sitting with Don, Surya, Desh, Michelle and so on, watching the "high-flyers" getting their awards. It was silly. If anything, those I were sitting with deserved these vanity awards.
I whispered to Don about it and he mentioned,"Audi, these people are the ones who have been getting awards since Year One. Even if they weren't in our course, they will be high-flyers. They're just that kind of breed that are top student material no matter where you put them."
I guess life is just like that. After working everyday on many different shoots and many different people... ultimately, school means nothing. At most, I believe, it's just that extra push you need to get a headstart in the industry. I didn't learn anything that cannot be read about online or in books from my three years in this course. I'm not the only one who thinks that, believe me. We can all agree, though, that spending 3 months on a shoot is worth more than 3 years in a film school. It's all about that damned piece of toilet paper.
During the reception I was back into "work mode" and already anxious since I had to go over to the Esplanade for work. It goes to show how conditioned I am to this mentality. It saddens me in a way.
I didn't hang around much and didn't bother to rub shoulders with lecturers. I only did shake hands with a couple - Chin Boo and Dr.Victor Valbuena.
I hated a lot of lecturers. Many were total bastards. But these two were the ones I remember for being actual teachers.
My parents were somehow neglected by me as well. I didn't bring them around or take much pictures or even had a conversation as a family. In retrospect, I feel really bad. As a son, I didn't share their excitement to see myself graduate. In their eyes, they see it as a big event... regardless of the bullshit that happens behind the scenes and the fact that I couldn't care less about this whole graduation thing. I disappointed them a lot.
It's a pretty bitter thing, my relationship with my parents. I've done some spectacular things at work this past 12 months. I've sent people up into the sky, swung them off buildings, got shot at by countless different rifles, rigged up explosives, handled and fired weapons and been lit on fire four times in a row. After all the hoohaa, the good wishes from friends, the actors and big bosses I've met and praises we get from production companies... my parents have no idea about all this. They're still in the dark on whatever I've been doing.
It's not anything... I just don't know how to show it all to them. We never had this culture of sitting at the dining table and talking. How do I tell them that I've been lifted up three storeys high on wires or been set on fire when they're already so worried whenever I step out of the house? Before I even walk the length of my corridor, my mom would have already told me to pray, don't talk to strangers, don't take drugs, and don't do anything 'funny'. My parents don't even know i've been smoking for the past two years!
I'm going into NS soon. It's on the 13th of June, exactly two weeks from now. I'm being posted to Tekong, School One. I think before that I should tell them everything. I'm not quite sure how. It will be such a dick of me to break their hearts and then vanish for the next month or so. It's not that I don't care for my parents. It's just that I don't know how to do it. It could be ego... or shyness... or whatever. But I have to get this settled before shit hits the fan.
If my prediction for the future means anything, it's not going to be a fun time from this June onwards. I'm actually accepting the possibility that I won't be coming back from NS.
I just got back from Ubin. I don't know what to think about it. It was two weeks of army fatigues, mess tins, smoke, weapons, insects, sweat and clothes soaked in rain and sweat and pretty much no jacking off for the whole time. Sometimes it came to the point where I wanted to sneak into a corner of the forest and let one off right there. To make things worse, we had a shit load of women on the crew. And some were really getting it on towards the last few days of the shoot.
I'm really tired. I'll leave it as that. I'll come back in a few days to blog. I did some pretty silly things on set. I assure you, when graduation comes this 30th, I have some things to show the guys.
It was another week for me. After Poly everything has picked up on my side, career-wise. I can say I'm very happy when i hear news that some of my classmates are indeed getting jobs. Then there are some that can't seem to start working. I don't blame them. If I could I would tell them to enjoy what they have first.
I have been feeling rather upset lately at this whole film industry thing. After Mediacorp, I developed this grudge against a lot of things in this industry in Singapore. I was over for a wrap party for a film I was called in to act at the eleventh hour. It's a film by Zhao Wei called "Invisible Children". I met the crew in Toa Payoh and I was slated to be just another one of those who hangs around in the background. I knew some of the crew there, and some were the first couple of batches from FSV. I had Adeline, my classmate during Poly, working as a Production Assistant and she was the one who called me. Don't you ever get the feeling that this world is too damn small?
I've never been to a wrap party from a production company. Uncle Jimmy never liked the idea of me pursuing an acting career for it's short-lived timeframe. But it's undeniably a good way to gather contacts. The whole night everybody was asking the same question,"So what are you doing now?" You can easily see through that gesture. Most were asking for the sake of conversation. Others were using it as a medium to show off what they're doing now. A minority were hoping for "backdoor entrances". I find the entire thing ridiculous. My mentality that night was to get away from work. I don't want to think of work. But everyone is forcing you to talk about it.
I took and interest with the lead actor for the film. He was good looking and overall very cheerful and open. Boo Jun Feng and friends were also acting for the film. I heard about him first from school lectures on a film he made called "Katong Fuge". I never watched the film but my friends who did came back calling it "Katong Fuck". On the other hand there were my lecturers who would gaggle and foam in the mouths talking about Boo Jun Feng. When I saw him and his friends on set I didn't care about the fact he was a director or whatever. If anything these guys were the funniest bunch of stoned actors. They were overall very nice people as well.
But back to this lead actor. He was preparing for a scene and we got bored and found a guitar nearby. What are the odds? It had its full set of strings and was tuned. He started playing a bit here and there some random chords. I haven't really picked up a guitar yet at that time (It was February this year) so it got my attention. I thought his playing was godly! It was then he started to hum and sing and that shut the whole room up, mostly. My mind raced back to the time I met Shah in school, before the days he was advertised for Anugerah in 2007 or 2006. Shah would sing out of the blue and sometimes we got into little chats about how to sing, music, and the fact that my fashion sense was all over the place back then.
This actor's voice was pleasant to hear. When it came to the wrap party a few weeks later we met up again. He came in with a load of bracelets and necklaces. He was still in NS and I had no idea what to talk about that night. All I could think of that night was the wine and champagne. We finally decided to talk about the food at the party. It was the weirdest conversation ever.
It went something like:
"The curry is nice..." "Yea it is isn't it." "...uh huh..." "I should get some." "Oh yes you should." "Yea maybe later. The desserts look good too." "Oh yes it is." "....."
The conversation finally fell short and we kept silent. We knew no one there except for the crew and the other actors there had their own bunch of friends already. Eric Khoo was there too thought I didn't know it was him. Gary, Royston Tan's famous right hand man, was there as well. Some bad renditions of chinese pop songs were playing over the speakers that time. They basically changed the vocal track to an off-key piano. Lee Hom, Jay Zhou, they were turned into freaking pianos. The worst part was that the tracks looped after about 5 songs. Then this guy started singing again. It was incredibly good to hear. I took out my camera phone and recorded a bit of it. I don't know why.... but after Sly I have this thirst to look for music. I never was interested before. Now I found myself really listening and looking for music. I knew this guy was a part time singer. I asked him how he started out. And that's when I realised that this guy was Leon Lim... one of the S-pop singers... Campus Superstar.. so on and so forth. We talked a bit more and I found him to be very sincere. He had to leave early so we exchanged numbers. When I took out my phone he saw the desktop picture.
"Eh? Isn't that Sylvester?"
Turns out, these two know each other. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. There is no fucking way you can hide in the Singapore Media Industry.
I shook hands with Eric Khoo before I left. That was a particularly disturbing experience. A friend of mine was with me and he wanted to leave. I had to shake Eric's hands. I don't know his movies, I've watched some but never liked any, but my school's a big fan of his. I saw him get out of his chair and walked into the lobby. I followed him. Then I realised he was going for a piss. It got me thinking... here I am... gonna meet Eric Khoo... I'm gonna shake his hand... and he just took a piss.
He came out after a while, I called him, he received us warmly, and I shook his hands. I could just see it in his face. Two teenage guys just waited for him outside the toilet to shake his hand after taking a piss, wtf?
After this show I received a call from Putnam of Tisch Asia. I was going to act as the lead role in his film. Again, it's not a paid job. I've spent this whole week travelling to Kembangan to rehearse at his place. It's hard work and the smoking habit isn't helping at all.
I sat down one night with Jason at the usual 925 kopitiam. I was telling him how shitty a lot of things are in our work. I boldly told him that if any of our friends from secondary school were to join this industry they'll die. This arrogance prompted him to ask me, "Then why are you still doing this?"
I never asked myself this question. I thought about it for a while. I looked back to the school days. All the production I've went through and the war stories we've shared in Poly. The late nights. The smoking. The times we went insane. We've seen a lot. Daryl, Don, Rahman, Kwang Wei, Kang Sheng, etc etc. I find it quite an insane journey. We're not even making money. Some of us aren't ready for adult life. Not everyone of us were on the same page at all. We've walked this road and we've seen those who surprise us and we've seen a couple collapse in exhaustion. After graduation here are some flying high. Some are still with their luggage tucked under their arms, waiting for a ride, not knowing where to go. We're like a half-arsed, half-fucked band of frat boys with big dreams but not knowing what exactly are those dreams.
Then I remembered why I still did this. I looked at him, then up above, thinking. I said,"Have you ever been on stage to perform? Have you ever felt this rush... this rush so great that you start to shiver, your legs become weak, and you're about to faint. But the irony is that everyone likes you and you're doing a great job. This is exactly what you get in this line. Even as a crew or as an actor. One moment you're just sitting at home, smoking, drinking. Nothing is in your mind. You think of nothing. You think of ending it all. The next moment here you are in the middle of the night. Everyone is running around, some are shouting. You suddenly have a brotherhood going along and you have a common goal. You squeeze and twist yourself. You exert yourself both physically and mentally to get things done with the minimal you have. And when it's all said and done, you're sitting here in this coffeeshop, exhausted as hell, you haven't bathed in a week, all you want to do is jack off and sleep. You look at the film the next few weeks and everybody is impressed. You look back and recall. You ask yourself,"Did I really do that?". I dont' think this is something accountancy can give you. Or engineering. Or aeronautics. We're just a bunch of grunts working for another person's idea. The fucking thrill is what keeps me here."
Initially I wanted to talk about something else but it turned to this angle of story. It's okay. I think it's good on itself. See you next post.
Things took a sudden turn of events over the past few weeks. I've skipped a lot of it in the previous post.
I don't know how to describe it but i find the sudden climb in luck/fortune/or whathaveyou to be particularly creepy. I'm about to touch on subject many would consider "nuts" or "alternative" but that is that.
I spend a lot of my time over at the Whampoa office, sitting around. After I left for Mediacorp Uncle Jimmy hasn't been doing anything much. It's like suddenly all the jobs stopped. But we both reasoned that it was just that season in the film industry where everything is still being planned and no shoots are happening yet. There was plenty of time for me to sit around cleaning my fingernails.
It's been about a year since I joined Stunt Production and I've known fairly well of Uncle Jimmy's traits. There are times where he suddenly changes his tone and starts talking about things that have no relation whatsoever to whatever we were talking about moments before. Rationally, I think it's just his daddy-talk. I am pretty messed up outside of work... smoking, drinking, and pretty much always alone. But not lonely. I always enjoyed being alone. And I always feared it... because that's the time I will mess things up pretty badly.
It was a few days after my birthday and Uncle Jimmy looked at me. We were having coffee at a coffeeshop in Ang Mo Kio when I told him what I noticed that morning... that my face somewhat changed. I told him he was right that after 20 a lot of things will grow and change. But then he looked again and he told me to work hard for this whole decade. After that, things will fly.
I had this inkling that I've been too lucky my whole life. There will be a point of time things will go down. I believe in karma, yin and yang, and stuff like that. So I was in fact looking out for the time everything will slip. I just didn't know when.
Last month, my sister pulled me to the corner one night. My father was on the phone in the living room. That whole week I noticed that no one was home. I didn't know where my parents where, and my sister was off working. It didn't bother me because I'm always looking for ways to find money and thinking of my next "project". Then she laid the bomb - that my father lost quite a wad of cash in some fucked investments with Sunshine Empire.
I didn't bother much too. Story of my life, isn't it. I estimated it to be about 13k to 50k. Even so, it's not my money, and I was pretty much planning already what to do if things go really bad.
This whole investment thing bothered 3/4 of the family since the start. And my sister is my only sibling. I never understood why the fuck does he want to invest in an MLM. Probably because he just adores my cousin who's working in there driving his fancy BMW and a girlfriend I really didn't like hanging around. Sometimes I think he'd be happy if that was his son, earning tens of thousands, dressed up in shirts and pants instead of earning little to no pay, hanging around with an old man and dressed up like he's going fishing. I think it also had something to do with the racism thing... which I find hypocritical too.
It was only last week did I find out how much was lost. It was close to a half a million dollars. That's a shitload of cash. My sister was the one who asked for the numbers. I sat there, slightly disappointed, and there we were sitting on a table full of food in a restaurant in Eunos and just a fwe minutes ago he was thinking of adding another storey to the terrace house we don't even officially own yet. Needless to say, I was pissed out of my mind.
Uncle Jimmy knew way beforehand that my father was investing a ton of money. He has that intuity. Or life experience. He mentioned about it beginning of the year after I related to him how unhappy I was that cash was being shoveled down to shit.
It's just amazing how things suddenly take a turn. When it comes, it comes. When it goes, it goes. And great timing too. At this point of time I can't wait to go for National Service. It's a source of income, no matter how tiny the pay might be, but I'm fine with crashing at friends' place just to save cost. I also can't wait to get away from my father, no matter how much of a bastard I sound. I've seen since the time he retired to now that his health has gone downhill and he's going a bit nutty in the head. I don't know if he realizes it and I talked to a few people about it and decided it was best if he started working again. But we never had a good conversation-relation so the only time we could confront each other was in the car. I gave him a piece of my mind, trying to be nice in tone but sharp in words.
"You have to start working. Why don't you start working?" I asked. "Why? Why can't I retire early? I've worked so hard." "I'm not asking you to work hard. Just enough to keep yourself sane. At this age you're gonna go under menopause. You'll go senile if you sit around doing nothing."
He changed the subject and started talking to my mom. So whatever.
One of the reasons why I'm still over at Stunt Production is because of all the "creepy" things that go around in the Whampoa office. I used to be terrified whenever I start feeling things crawling up my back but at this place it was different. Uncle Jimmy is committed when he prays. Everyday he cleans the altar and I observe the process. When he prays it is deep and concentrated. Until now i still don't understand why my parents say if I don't pray, I'll be like the Chinese, who "don't pray". If anything, I think it takes much more effort for Chinese Buddhists to pray than Muslims.
But religion is another issue and I have a strong objective regarding it. i won't cover that now.
Uncle Jimmy always tells me I am blessed somewhat. Born lucky. And this will always be with me. I guess that's nice to hear. Out of respect, I do burn jossticks to the God of Health, God of Earth and the Thai Buddha whenever I come over to the office. I say again, out of RESPECT. With the amount of religious paranoia hanging around today it's hard to keep them from nagging at your feet.
You could say this has helped a bit in luck. Uncle Jimmy and I have seen our fair share of things happening around the office. Sometimes when we're present together. It's an amazing thing for me. It just reassures me that this world is so big and deep. I may be wrong, but if it helps me keep calm and not fret about so many non-issues in life, why not just let it be? It's just like religion in a way, except for the fact I'm not forcing it down another person's throat.
Throughout this recent times I keep having thoughts that linger around for far longer than they should. Deja Vus happen a fuckload of often lately after I left Mediacorp. I keep thinking of earthquakes and floods in the coming week. Maybe it's the wacky sticks i've been smoking. Or i havent been getting much action lately.
I was practicing my guitar one day after waking up from a weird dream. I hate having those dreams. They call it lucid dreaming.. where you are able to control whatever the hell you do in your dreams. Everytime I wake up from one of this I get this throbbing headache and I feel so tired overall. For a few weeks I could only think of one person: my friend Javis.
He and I have gone through our ups and downs over the years in secondary school. It was mostly up, and I loved him like crazy. We'd drift closer and apart every now and then - closer when he's single and apart once he gets a girlfriend. We'd share in lots of crap together, and very often I find that he understands my jokes far more than anyone else. Everything bonded together rather easily. But our ties were severed one time in Year One when I used him for entirely selfish reasons to gain an advantage. It was not pleasant at all though it was a silent departure. I never heard from him again, even though our blocks were nearby in Poly and the next time I heard of him, he got kicked out of school and was working in part-time jobs. Sad, really. In retrospect, he's the one I'd consider hardworking and intelligent. The ones I hang out with after that were selfish idiots. I'd consider them so selfish that they'd rather fellate themselves rather than have someone do it for them. I'm glad they're gone now.
I'd meet Javis every now and then at his work place at Orchard Rd. A little cafe called Far Coast. He's not working there now. When he left the place I didn't even know. After that I received news that he was in a band as a singer with some old friends from secondary school and shortly after left for National Service. By then I was about to finish Year Two in Poly. Time, really, flies.
I never heard from him anymore for the longest time until just a day ago. Have you ever had that kind of feeling that someone is about to call you, or sms you, or whatever and it really comes? Sometimes I wonder is it because I'm thinking of them first, or that they were thinking of me. It's happen a lot lately. And I was thinking of Javis the whole week for a VERY long time. When things like this start happening I get very careful and sensitive because if anything, it's not right.
I was having a meeting at 12am over at Hoods Inc. in River Valley Road regarding the shoot in May. It was a long meeting. I was spaced out that time... because I've been doing some experiments at home in regards to hypnosis, sound and the brain (binaural beats) so I probably messed something up there. Some might ask "Where the hell do you come up with this stupid ideas?!" The fact is, I'm as clueless as you.
Javis sms-ed me when I was getting restless. It's been a year, and I was really happy. He wanted to meet me "for a smoke". I used this as an excuse to leave the meeting because by the looks of it, it'll be on till 4am in the morning. If anyone from Hoods reads this, I am terribly sorry.
I took a cab down to his place and called him down. We hugged and punched each other in a friendly manner and got to the smoking. If there was some dope and a bottle of Jim Beam I guarantee it will be a fucking awesome night. I knew something was up the moment I saw him and I found out soon after. Apparently someone was after him i was asked to help him on it. Immediately I was thrown back to what Uncle Jimmy mentioned. I won't reveal much since the coal is still pretty hot but let me say it was freaking accurate.
The twist here in the story, that I find extremely weird is that Javis has been to Uncle Jimmy's place when he was just a young boy. Apparently his father and Jimmy had some ties there. Javis told me about it before, back when I first met Uncle Jimmy in 2004, before I even applied for Poly. And I totally forgot.
I agreed to help Vis a bit. And we hung around catching up.
Then he said a few bits of line that creeped the hell out of me.
They were: "If it's mine, it's mine." "When the time is right, it will come." "This kind of money is not meant to be eaten." "Audi you are very lucky."
These are the exact four lines that Uncle Jimmy always preaches to me. It's like my mantra. It blew my mind off. It could all just be one major coincidence with no meaning at all. But damn, that was fucking cool.
We hung around abit more, i showed him a bit of my kungfu training, and we parted our ways.
Within this few month my life has taken a major turn. I'm more at ease, I spend time for myself and spend more time for work. My savings are growing and I'm fine with staying single. I've reasoned with myself that having a relationship probably is not the best thing for me now.
A lot of the people I meet, and some of my friends, look at me as I tell my war stories, and they always say the same thing - that I am lucky/chose the right course/leeched of someone else and pretty much have settled down.
The fact is, I'm less stable as I seem. I'm constantly rushing for something, that I have no idea what, and it probably is just my excuse to keep myself sane... like a drug. It's exciting. Every corner lays a gem. There will be the ups and downs... some minor.. some major.. some uncomparable. I might just be climbing now, or I'm already at my peak, I don't know. I could go higher, or I could stumble and fall over. And I love the prospect of both.
I don't know. Maybe it's something innate about me. I like telling stories, that's a fact, no matter how mundane and how niche the topics are. But I'm having the urge to fucking blog again.
God-fucking-damn-it.
I'll take the less-traveled path this time round; no fancy pictures. No fancy schedules to keep up to. And best of all, no imagined-commitment to "the fans and readers". Simple, plain, text on text post updated only when i have something nice to tell.
I wont even bother looking back at what I've been up to since the last time. I don't even remember. I've taken a huge miscalculated jump into the "adult world" and let's just say I'm not even sure if I am what I was before. Things changed and moved so fast... too fast. Somewhere along the line I picked up the attitude of living for myself. Friends don't matter much to me like before. I can't be arsed to be nice to everyone on the street. I prefer staying within my own circle of privacy now and I can very well entertain myself easily. I even started keep track of my expenditures with a fucking account book. A fucking account book!
All I ever think about now is "When's the next shoot?", "What am I going to read up on next?", "What's the next thing I can research on?". Work and I share a particularly obsessive-compulsive relationshipthus far.
I can say that the only thing keeping me sane now is my spanky new electric guitar. It's an Epiphone Les Paul Special II model and I think it's simply fantastic to play. The itch to play came again sometime around the end of last year, during the New Year's Eve. I think that was when I SMS-ed Henry, an old friend, a cheerful new year wish. I recall it went something like, "Happy New Year, motherfucker."
The bitterness on my side is gone, but I'd gladly get up to see him again if the oppurtunity rises. After that i pretty much disconnected myself from a lot of things. I felt it was time to leave all the time-wasting crap behind and start making a name for myself. As arrogant as it may sound, I don't consider sitting around waiting for the next movie or hanging out at pool tables as productive. If anything, I only felt it gave more oppurtunities for ties to be broken.
I met up with Sylvester Sim again sometime in February and that inflated my guitar interest by the dozens. It was always inspiring for me to have him play or talk about music. I don't mind hanging around his place, waiting till 3am for him to return. Cause it was always worth it. Granted, he doesn't seem to have a good vibe with a lot of people outside, and I have run into some bad faces when he becomes the topic of conversation, but I don't really give a fuck. Sly has always been real nice to me and a great source of inspiration.
Unfortunately shit happens whenever it damn well pleases and I ran into a bit of problem. I'm in no position to talk about it so I won't.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I met Deehellsix, a bandmate of Sly's and a really entertaining guitarist, and we started our first guitar lesson. I've seen him everytime I sneaked into Dragonfly but never really took the effort to look him up. But I love the energy he was showing off to the pub. We got through a few SMS-es first and then when i finally met him at his home, I took the chance to really study his face since I've never seen him in daylight before. Come to think of it, I forgot how Sly looks like in daylight too.
The "lesson" turned out great and I look forward to the next one. I say "lesson" because it was more of a friendly situation where he shows me examples and writes notes down for us (another of his friend was with us). They'd discuss music and I'd sit there listening, trying to grasp all these funny names and formulas. I remember being so exhausted after that 1 1/2hr session that i got home and fell asleep even though i've been awake for only about four hours.
On the filming side, well, surprise surprise I'm still working with Uncle Jimmy. I had a short stint at Mediacorp a few months ago. It started on my birthday and ended in late March. I was under Uncle Lawrence (Jimmy's younger brother) and I held the so-called honorouble title of Assistant Producer for the show "Ripley's Believe It or Not.". You could say that was my first professional job.... where I had to sign papers and received a monthly income. And all that as an undergraduate.
I guess it's pretty well known that I went nuts after the first month there. There was absolutely nothing to do. Everyday I felt that I'm there only to fill up the void; duplicating DVDs and tapes, transcribing, media logging. Uncle Lawrence, on the other hand, always looked so busy. He probably was... because I probably wasn't doing much work. It took a turn when no one said anything about what time I should report, or what will be coming next, and complaceny reared it's ugly head. I came in office in the early afternoons, I spent most time surfing Digg and there are times at home when I'm all dressed up... and then sit back down at this damn computer and never show up for work. I always felt as if I was waiting for the shoot date... which was about a month apart from each other.
The director loved me on set, to say the least, and Allan Wu made an effort to keep the rest of crew occupied and cheerful whenever I'm trying to find my footsteps. I don't know where this came from, but I received news that they wanted to put me on a 2-year contract for a 100-series drama. In retrospect, I'm glad that it didn't amount to anything... not after my two months there in Mediacorp. I don't see myself able to tolerate the kind of nonsense and air-headedness of a majority of the people there. I only remember sticking only with two guys; Uncle Lawrence and one of his good friend. Other than that, I felt like punching everyone in the face. And I almost did, in fact. Some middle-aged woman needed her precious space and didn't like it when I walked by her. She was sitting in the middle of the aisle, and I wanted to get to the box of candy at the other end. She gave me a "tsk". I was cool with it. I think I might have nudged her knee a bit. When I walked back, she rolled her eyes at me and shifted a bit. When i passed, she called me.
"Hello, next time can you go round that way and don't come through here? I'm trying to do my work." she says.
It's a fucking aisle, and you're blocking it. I think she was watching TV.... about 2 inches from the screen and the TV was on the other wall of the aisle. I almost blew up on her... partly because of the boredom... and I believe me eating a ton of candy within my two months there played a part in it. I was very near to the end of my time there and messing things up there would be an extravagant end to it.
But I walked away.
Things didn't really end on a high-note there. I made a major mistake of crossing-over Uncle Lawrence. It might have not come to such a huge fiasco, what with the one-sided shouting in the office, if it wasn't for the double-cross I got from a friend the week before that. The story is pretty infamous now within the FSV kids so I wont repeat it here. As it turns out, everyone involved "up there" took this chance to shoot Uncle Lawrence and none of it ever came to me, even though I was there one who assured him, and I was the one who made the arrangement. The politics there is just awesome... awesomely fucked up. It's like these skanks on menopause need something to prove the need for their existence in Mediacorp.
But that's all over now and I'm happy to be back with The Stunt Production. Uncle Jimmy has been taking care of me very well and we've progressed from the student-teacher relationship to a more work-partner level.
We've got two shoots coming up; one is a telemovie called "Pulau Hantu" and that will be going on for the whole of May and I've got one next week by the people of Tisch Asia. The last film I acted for them (just a small role) received quite a good response from the school. I watched it, and I whole-heartedly believe that these people are the real deal. This time round, another director decided to cast me as a lead actor for his film. It's my first time as a lead actor, and I'll be lying if I said I was not surprised. I look forward to the coming weeks.
Yea so i grew up and got tired of blogging. So dont check back anymore cause blogging's over for me.
Just great now that I've graduated from Ngee Ann Poly School of FUCK UP SONS OF BITCHES.
But of course, I'm not all that hateful of the school. I do admit I've had some fun time in there and probably made friends with some of the better people around. Definitely a nothc better than the crap I find from my old secondary school. So take that.
I'll still be wondering online and right now my home base is FRIENDSTER. A couple of years late, I know, but there you go. Profile name's Audi Khalid and email is meinbereich@gmail.com.
Otherwise, the website Tharik and I are working on is somewhat there... we jsut purchased the domain name today.
One, I'm a stuntman yada yada yada. The company is growing tremendously now that Bollywood is open. Uncle Jimmy is rarely in Singapore and I'm handling the PR for the company so far. Lots of the guys in school are catching on with the news that TSP is in need of manpower.
The other, I'm a student on every lecturer's nerves. I request special treatment!
Third, Ive been having a bad ass reputation lately. Primarily for being the biggest jackass around. As much as I still love Henry a lot, I think that things will never be the same again. Maybe I am to blame for "stealing" the love of his life... but hell, a part of me asks what the fucking deal is.
Lastly, I'm working in Media-fucking-corp now as an Assistant Producer. With a pay and workload like what i'm having now.... I cant complain. Lord knows how many times i've gotten close to TV than other little girls can ever wish for.
Been speaking with Sly for a bit the past few weeks. I think something is coming up.
I'm currently working together with Tharik on the Stunt Production's website. I gotta be honest. I'm fucking loving it.
A ton of changes has taken place lately. I calculated my earnings last month and it ran over somewhere in the 800-1000 dollars mark. This month alone has been looking good.... what with all the money suddenly pouring in.
Lucky for me, this time I'm making an effort to save some cash. I'm trying to raise a couple thousand dollars to buy me a QX6857 Quad Core Processor and a new motherboard before I go into NS... Cause you know.. i have a small penis and the size of my computer (e-penis) compensates for it. So I may be a six and half inch-er in real life but I'm a mother fucking 9 inch in real life! Ah ha!
At the time of this writing, I can safely say that The Stunt Production has finally extended its hands into Bollywood. Uncle Jimmy is off in Mumbai now for a meeting, and I have full access to the Whampoa office for the next ten days. Lord knows i love to bury myself in rifles and pistols and swords. Orgasmoville.
Since no one is left in Singapore to run the company, I'm being sent off this 19th to a show with one of his old friend to rig up some effects. It's my first time standing out there on my own doing stuff like this... I'm not sure what to expect. Maybe a missing finger or two at most. And not my finger.
After the hoo-ha a few weeks ago, with the girl, I've somehow felt relieved. Sure, i get restless sometimes and feel like something is missing but that only means I have more free time to chew nuts. And by chewing nuts, I spent it with some of the old guys from secondary school. Just in luck that all of us got dumped by our lovers (oh, wait, I dumped mine...) so what more than to stay over, up all night, cursing all the girls that fucked all over us, waving our angry fists into the air, then regretting not actually doing things we've always wanted to do together, crying rivers at the same time and of course... have little tiny adventures around the neighborhood. It was fucking nice... but god knows there will come a time i better be serious and find one lady to settle down with. Ill give myself a target... hmmm... try ten years.
Honestly, when i came back to school a couple of days ago I'm starting to think whether this little boy inside of me tagging my testicles saying,"YOO ARE NEGLECTING SKOOL!" really is saying the truth. Here I see Daryl stressing out all over the editing station, Kai Xiang and Zhong Hui all moody with their AFP projects. People running around loading lights into box trucks then zooming off to location and every effing second someone comes to me sighing, "I'm so tired.. I didnt sleep last night." What the hell can i do? Keep you company? Would you like a motherfucking pillow?
But hey... school ends the middle of next month. All the best.
Im running a few things right now that I'd like to keep under the sheets for now so this blog probably isnt gonna move much for the next few weeks. Doesn't make a difference anyways... its not like anyone ever leaves this place loving me more. All i get are some bastards telling me what i can and cannot do at every turn I make and accusing me on retarded deductions they brilliantly thought up with whatever tiny bit of thing they know of from this fucking webpage.
