Tuesday, September 27, 2005
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ah yes... another one of those many times i sit down (anywhere.. just gimme a block of wood by the roadside and i'll still sit down) and munch on sth... thinking.
Sounds too corny to you? it does as well to me... but people really do these things. I mean.. sitting down and thinking.
Let's review..... perfect lifestyle... perfect friends (one witha perfect family and two little brothers.. one cheky arse who punches people and the other with relatively big and firm leg muscles fro a pri sch kid) ... perfect history.. perfect bla bla.....
i don know why... but many people love to come over to me... pull me towards them and whisper to me these few words,"Let me tell you a secret" or sth along those lines. Ive got secrets from many people... ive got Tianyu's, hasrul's, javis's, sarah's, aik's, jason's, father and his business and sometimes even teachers .... many!!!
But why? i have no idea.
And secrets told get repaid by one (or in a very special "Tianyu's case" back in 2003) of my deep dark secrets... oooo..... deep and dark as in..... im an evil bastard. Beware.
I dont know wht else i want or need in time to come. Its jsut one of those scenes whereby the guy is on a bed of leaves on a little roof in the middle of school and he's beaming the brightest smile anyone could give while he recalls all that he has and the camera either circles slowly arond him or slowly zooms in onto his face (no no the latter camera movement wont work for me). Everything is just so nice.
Sweet 18.... yeah.. sweet 18.... im coming 18 soon as well..... still an adolescent... still a "teenage boy".... and i feel that my journey through this environment is almost complete.
oh dear.. am i falling into depression again? am i gonna die again? is something big gonna happen now? is the feeling here?
well.... maybe... there's a hint of all that in me now. But in any case.. i may be enjoying too much.
okay ill be talking to myself from here on.... beware of the ramblings.....
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i lvoe the simplicity of things. Why do i need such a posh lifestyle? Why would i need that country club membership? why would i need to be a close buddy of that oh-so-famous person? I dont need al these. ive experienced a hint of all these and i should say that everyone else is the same. They all have wrinkles. They all have emotional.. whiny problems... they all fart... all these glamour and stuff has just been made more glorifying by simple camera angles and lightings in the media.
I lvoe playing in the mud. Literally. Put me in my No.4 uniform and throw me into the jungles (with a sociable companion, maybe) and i might come out of it a couple of years later and claim it was one of the most beautiful years ever.
So there.... i dont need the glamour.... the fame... the looks (ive learned to live with that... damned brown skin and hairy legs... and the spots! oh dear! ) and i most certainly do not need..... hmm how would i say this.... well..... that lifestyle ... that certain lfietsyle... i dont know the word for it... but anyways... yeah.
ok enough of that. Let us/me move on to more ramblings...
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Froma very young age.... i love "getting into the minds" of other people.
I loved coming up with hypothesis and stuff and tested how other people will react if i were t do sth outta the norm (ok maybe not that lame...) ..... like i dunno.. if someone tries to fight with you... offer him a french fry..... (what? it worked... i almost got beaten up in tampines interchange. I offered the hairless punk a fry and the entire gang left happy.)
I try to put myself in other people's shoes... or my friends.. more often.
It's like.. "ok.... his background is this this this...... he looks like this this this.... but then again everyone else is the same most of the time... so maybe how i would react to this this this might be the same for him. maybe if i keep doing the right thing... i may get that thing i want from him." be it materially or otherwise.
and so i do stuff accordingly... "ok say it THIS way.... not THAT way... this tone... this movement... eye contact! eye contact! body posture! cmon! ok good... now.. tap a bit onto his history! ok good... make things more personal to his background.. good good.. go for it audi! you're almost there! ok good... now bring him in a very defenseless and submissive state! ok tt didnt work out as expected.. but nevermind... Ok good.. he seems to be in deep thought and wonder now... good... ok audi... tease him and leave him empty..... say that u gotta go now!"
then it continues,"... oo he seems reluctant to be left stranded like that in deep thought... GOOD... job well done! now.. to get what i want..."
Psychological mindgames. People detest that. And by claiming (claiming... saves me from finger-pointing) that i play mind-games on people will most probably get a lot of people more careful around me.
But then again... i seem to knwo my basic.... limits.. to stuff like these.
And i think many other people have this dilemma of "i dont look like what i imagine myself to be.".
Did you know that sometimes.... when i happen to pass by a mirror and see myself... i just get disgusted by what i see. And with me... are another million more people who feel the same way (about themselves).
I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.. but for now.. a cap solves most everything.
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more ramblings...
I have this desire to excel in most everything i do.
No... not a perfectionist.. i noe that nothing can be perfect.. and that some things just CANNOT be done (like in my case... winning the heart of that oh-so-lovely girl..... cos of the public's (maybe) opinion to the relationship which will most probably cost me more than its worth.)
Ok let's see wht i love to do.... video... scale modelling... gaming..... playing a musical intrument.... singing..... speaking english (believe it or not, Mitch!)... speaking german (believe it or not, Shaun!) and of course... that mind-gaming thing.
Shaun says that a hobby isnt something you/i want to excel in.. but something that i enjoy doing with no serious thought of excelling ie quality work.
But th problem is here is that.... i want to excel in ALL these things!
so.. what? i dont have a hobby?
I want that uber-fantastik gaming machine (hello, alienware! hello, jealous donald... LOLZ).. i want that quality concert grand piano and those magic floating fingers... and i want this that this that....
but isnt this... contradiciting to my "perfect-everything" rambling?
i shoudl say no.
I have access to all these.
it's not as if i'm asking for that gold plated tap in a mini-HDB toilet with a simple claypot toilet bowl beside it (omg did i just say claypot?) which would definitely take lots of money and time and SKILL and gold leafs, not to forget, jsut for me to craft that stupid tap with my own hands (did i also mention tht i like to BUILD the things i want?).
Im not all crazy about cutting down those skinny little frail trees along Singapore roads to make my piano as well. I'm talking about... PLAYING the piano.
ok.. off topic... sorry.
Wait... there's a topic?
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90% (or ..gasp... more!) of singaporean teenagers blog. Even that slow nerd in class MIGHT have a blog. Though we might wonder what the hell he writes on his blog (hello, ming hai.. wht the hell do you write on ur blog?) the guy still has a blog!
I hate blog-surfing. ...Singaporean blogs, i mean. MOST of the time... the bloggers rant on how TOUGH or DIFFICULT their lives are. True true... some peole DO have hard lives here in singapore. true. But first of all... you have freaking access to a computer! and you can type! OMG the hardships you are going through!
"Yoos yor blain okay yoos yor blllaaaaaiiinnnn~~!!" (Phua, 1995, Phua Chu Kang)
Ok so the blogger has issues.... then she (yup.. i'm using the female term..) goes on to explain the cause of her ditraught. What are we expecting?
family dead? parents quearelling? broke your leg? war in iraq?
no no no no NO NO NO!!! NO to all these!
"muh fwen bakstab miiee"
OMG.... GGEEEZZZZZ WHHHEEEEZZZ!!!!
HOW INTELLIGENT!!!
my mind races faster than my fingers could keep up. No audi... you shall NOT type our your thoughts.
No audi.. NO...
*fine fine....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So the camera has stopped twirling slowly around me... the screen is black.. audiences are showing their arses to the credit rolling onscreen. My airtime is over and ive successfully gotten rid of 75 percent of my blog readers (which. is about... three? i'm left with one... muh-self..... oh dear)
I'm off to kuching.... "wish me luck".. and umm "dun miss miie 2 much, ya?" and hmm...."i lurvee eeuu allhz" and "R2D2 C3PO!!"
next post.... i'lll be talkign about how evil MEN are and how they all LIE and how men cannot be trusted and how some people should be killed for backstabbing and also how some teachers should die because they kept babbling 1.0045 seconds after the school bell rung the afternoon before and of course.. i'll be telling you all what bus number i took to here and there and who i "OH MY GAWD" met along the way.
:)
Sounds too corny to you? it does as well to me... but people really do these things. I mean.. sitting down and thinking.
Let's review..... perfect lifestyle... perfect friends (one witha perfect family and two little brothers.. one cheky arse who punches people and the other with relatively big and firm leg muscles fro a pri sch kid) ... perfect history.. perfect bla bla.....
i don know why... but many people love to come over to me... pull me towards them and whisper to me these few words,"Let me tell you a secret" or sth along those lines. Ive got secrets from many people... ive got Tianyu's, hasrul's, javis's, sarah's, aik's, jason's, father and his business and sometimes even teachers .... many!!!
But why? i have no idea.
And secrets told get repaid by one (or in a very special "Tianyu's case" back in 2003) of my deep dark secrets... oooo..... deep and dark as in..... im an evil bastard. Beware.
I dont know wht else i want or need in time to come. Its jsut one of those scenes whereby the guy is on a bed of leaves on a little roof in the middle of school and he's beaming the brightest smile anyone could give while he recalls all that he has and the camera either circles slowly arond him or slowly zooms in onto his face (no no the latter camera movement wont work for me). Everything is just so nice.
Sweet 18.... yeah.. sweet 18.... im coming 18 soon as well..... still an adolescent... still a "teenage boy".... and i feel that my journey through this environment is almost complete.
oh dear.. am i falling into depression again? am i gonna die again? is something big gonna happen now? is the feeling here?
well.... maybe... there's a hint of all that in me now. But in any case.. i may be enjoying too much.
okay ill be talking to myself from here on.... beware of the ramblings.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i lvoe the simplicity of things. Why do i need such a posh lifestyle? Why would i need that country club membership? why would i need to be a close buddy of that oh-so-famous person? I dont need al these. ive experienced a hint of all these and i should say that everyone else is the same. They all have wrinkles. They all have emotional.. whiny problems... they all fart... all these glamour and stuff has just been made more glorifying by simple camera angles and lightings in the media.
I lvoe playing in the mud. Literally. Put me in my No.4 uniform and throw me into the jungles (with a sociable companion, maybe) and i might come out of it a couple of years later and claim it was one of the most beautiful years ever.
So there.... i dont need the glamour.... the fame... the looks (ive learned to live with that... damned brown skin and hairy legs... and the spots! oh dear! ) and i most certainly do not need..... hmm how would i say this.... well..... that lifestyle ... that certain lfietsyle... i dont know the word for it... but anyways... yeah.
ok enough of that. Let us/me move on to more ramblings...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Froma very young age.... i love "getting into the minds" of other people.
I loved coming up with hypothesis and stuff and tested how other people will react if i were t do sth outta the norm (ok maybe not that lame...) ..... like i dunno.. if someone tries to fight with you... offer him a french fry..... (what? it worked... i almost got beaten up in tampines interchange. I offered the hairless punk a fry and the entire gang left happy.)
I try to put myself in other people's shoes... or my friends.. more often.
It's like.. "ok.... his background is this this this...... he looks like this this this.... but then again everyone else is the same most of the time... so maybe how i would react to this this this might be the same for him. maybe if i keep doing the right thing... i may get that thing i want from him." be it materially or otherwise.
and so i do stuff accordingly... "ok say it THIS way.... not THAT way... this tone... this movement... eye contact! eye contact! body posture! cmon! ok good... now.. tap a bit onto his history! ok good... make things more personal to his background.. good good.. go for it audi! you're almost there! ok good... now bring him in a very defenseless and submissive state! ok tt didnt work out as expected.. but nevermind... Ok good.. he seems to be in deep thought and wonder now... good... ok audi... tease him and leave him empty..... say that u gotta go now!"
then it continues,"... oo he seems reluctant to be left stranded like that in deep thought... GOOD... job well done! now.. to get what i want..."
Psychological mindgames. People detest that. And by claiming (claiming... saves me from finger-pointing) that i play mind-games on people will most probably get a lot of people more careful around me.
But then again... i seem to knwo my basic.... limits.. to stuff like these.
And i think many other people have this dilemma of "i dont look like what i imagine myself to be.".
Did you know that sometimes.... when i happen to pass by a mirror and see myself... i just get disgusted by what i see. And with me... are another million more people who feel the same way (about themselves).
I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.. but for now.. a cap solves most everything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
more ramblings...
I have this desire to excel in most everything i do.
No... not a perfectionist.. i noe that nothing can be perfect.. and that some things just CANNOT be done (like in my case... winning the heart of that oh-so-lovely girl..... cos of the public's (maybe) opinion to the relationship which will most probably cost me more than its worth.)
Ok let's see wht i love to do.... video... scale modelling... gaming..... playing a musical intrument.... singing..... speaking english (believe it or not, Mitch!)... speaking german (believe it or not, Shaun!) and of course... that mind-gaming thing.
Shaun says that a hobby isnt something you/i want to excel in.. but something that i enjoy doing with no serious thought of excelling ie quality work.
But th problem is here is that.... i want to excel in ALL these things!
so.. what? i dont have a hobby?
I want that uber-fantastik gaming machine (hello, alienware! hello, jealous donald... LOLZ).. i want that quality concert grand piano and those magic floating fingers... and i want this that this that....
but isnt this... contradiciting to my "perfect-everything" rambling?
i shoudl say no.
I have access to all these.
it's not as if i'm asking for that gold plated tap in a mini-HDB toilet with a simple claypot toilet bowl beside it (omg did i just say claypot?) which would definitely take lots of money and time and SKILL and gold leafs, not to forget, jsut for me to craft that stupid tap with my own hands (did i also mention tht i like to BUILD the things i want?).
Im not all crazy about cutting down those skinny little frail trees along Singapore roads to make my piano as well. I'm talking about... PLAYING the piano.
ok.. off topic... sorry.
Wait... there's a topic?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
90% (or ..gasp... more!) of singaporean teenagers blog. Even that slow nerd in class MIGHT have a blog. Though we might wonder what the hell he writes on his blog (hello, ming hai.. wht the hell do you write on ur blog?) the guy still has a blog!
I hate blog-surfing. ...Singaporean blogs, i mean. MOST of the time... the bloggers rant on how TOUGH or DIFFICULT their lives are. True true... some peole DO have hard lives here in singapore. true. But first of all... you have freaking access to a computer! and you can type! OMG the hardships you are going through!
"Yoos yor blain okay yoos yor blllaaaaaiiinnnn~~!!" (Phua, 1995, Phua Chu Kang)
Ok so the blogger has issues.... then she (yup.. i'm using the female term..) goes on to explain the cause of her ditraught. What are we expecting?
family dead? parents quearelling? broke your leg? war in iraq?
no no no no NO NO NO!!! NO to all these!
"muh fwen bakstab miiee"
OMG.... GGEEEZZZZZ WHHHEEEEZZZ!!!!
HOW INTELLIGENT!!!
my mind races faster than my fingers could keep up. No audi... you shall NOT type our your thoughts.
No audi.. NO...
*fine fine....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So the camera has stopped twirling slowly around me... the screen is black.. audiences are showing their arses to the credit rolling onscreen. My airtime is over and ive successfully gotten rid of 75 percent of my blog readers (which. is about... three? i'm left with one... muh-self..... oh dear)
I'm off to kuching.... "wish me luck".. and umm "dun miss miie 2 much, ya?" and hmm...."i lurvee eeuu allhz" and "R2D2 C3PO!!"
next post.... i'lll be talkign about how evil MEN are and how they all LIE and how men cannot be trusted and how some people should be killed for backstabbing and also how some teachers should die because they kept babbling 1.0045 seconds after the school bell rung the afternoon before and of course.. i'll be telling you all what bus number i took to here and there and who i "OH MY GAWD" met along the way.
:)
Posted by
Audi
