“OMG I just saw Tharik shouting on tv!” Henry types on MSN.

Huh? Tv? Tharik? I didn’t bother but then I went out to the living room to switch on the comp outside and my mother had channel 5 TV on and wah lau I saw Tharik!!!!

He was shouting, “BARIS!!!! SEDIIII…….AAA!!!”

Orhhh it’s national day parade la!!!

A few weeks ago, for god knows what reason, a couple of strangers have been coming up to me and chatting. One of them was a Singaporean construction worker. He’s an Indian and has been “working with the Government” for 40 years. He’s 71, just had his birthday, speaks clear English but if u saw him on the streets u’d point ur finger and say “Bangla bangla bangla bangla bangla…….”

It was at AMK MRT, and he was saying why for al these years it has NEVER rained during the NDP parades.

He said it’s because of the seventh month… everyone keeps praying and praying and burning so the spirits form a ring around the island so that it wont rain.

What the hell….?

This year’s parade commanders were swee swee probably the ones with the best voice ever in the history. It was deep, course, aggressive and commanding…. Just what every man should be.

Then I saw that the NDP is down with an illness!
I dotn know why nobody said anything…. But it’s confirmed: this year’s NDP is down with the Ah-Gua Syndrome!

The first time I noticed this was happening when they had the repetitive it’s-been-done-for-so-many-years(!) combined school choir thingy with their horrible sci-fi clothes and their hobo bucket hats and they were singing the Indian song….. and I thought I’d see some decent looking guy who HAS to have that hint of manliness because he’s performing, like maybe a suit on or sth, and what I saw was another pretty boy copy….

PRETTY BOY!!!!

I mean yeah I understand if u wanna be hip and cool and all that but geez cmon man could u not make the guy look so gay? With all the bad color combination and make up and purlple blushers and super-waxed hair do?

Then the camera started to crane down and I had the biggest shock of my life;
WTH THE NDP GOH TOUCHING THEIR KU KU JIAO!!!

For the previous years I remember the GOH to be standing at attention or at ease and yeah they have their own fancy drills and stuff like the rifles akimbo stance….. but geez my god they just made out soldiers look so WEAK holding their rifles like that! In case you didn’t see the parade, they were standing like this:



Might as well do this also right?

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Wo hen cute nehhxXxzzz...... I am a singapore soldier!


Henry was online going “Parade also must do so many style ar?”

I think he was referring to the forming up of all those lettering on the parade ground.

Then Lee Kuan Yew came to his seat, guarded by two other people. I remember that the PAP wore white because it symbolizes purity and transparency…. And ya it’s really transparent! I can see LKY’s singlet!
Ahhh my country’s hero. He’s started to move quite slower I see… but its ok he’s done a lot of good.

“The hero with a faggot son.” – Anonymous.

Then a few moments later, I was in the room and Henry MSN-ed

“hhaah LHL come down no one acc him.”

LMAO.

I dunno I just have this grudge against Mr. Sianzzz-talk-so-Long. It’s come to the point where everytime I see him doing sth on tv.. him giving some talk or speech… I’d point my finger in the air and go, “YOUR FATHER DOES BETTER THAN YOU!”

I think what we need is a MAN leading the country instead of a BOY. Stupid elite school kids!

Then I think this Suria idol crap gay/guy came on and ok…. His singing was fine…. buT WAH LAN DEH!!! It’s basically a copy of the other guy la!!! PRETYY BOY!!! It’s just… it’s just… it’s just….. KNNCBBB nab eh if I had the power I put an ah beng down there and everyone will confirm say thanks to me. Na beh. At least put him in a fucking suit la. Like this u wanna earn respect? Sibeh ah gua neh…..

The next few minutes the parade was over, I came out of my room and the performances were about to begin. They were showing some weird video of kids being surgeons and doctors and marine biologists…. Spooked me a bit.

Then the drums started beating and they had this guy singing like Bjork. It was ok and fine…. Until I saw that he was BUFF…. WAY TOO FLEXIBLE and SMEARED WITH GOLD PAINT!

And suddenly he went into all these creepy dance moves that geez god if I were doing those moves please kill me !!! It was really like….. u noe those boys who took ballet and u really wanna bash them up in sec school? Yeah those kind.

Then the announcer said sth like it was choreographed by some person named Clarice and invited the person to speak about the dance.
Like ok… its done by a girl so fine maybe that explains the moves………..and a GUY’S voice came on!

Wth!!!!! Clarice is a girl’s name rite?!??!

My gawd….. it’s like wtf all these artsy fartsy performances and all the pretty colours and all…. My gawd~~!!!!! AAARRGHHH!!!!! No wonder when my Ozzie friend was saying sth like “Singaporeans are sissies.” I think I kinda feel for him now.
The neh neh Look-at-me-I’m-so-artsy youths are the sissy wan knn. I mean just look at the lao jiao parade commanders…. SO MAN!!!!
Then we the youths of the Republic like worms like that wiggle here wiggle there like so fun liddat.

All these movements for “Young artists”, “Rich culture and art.”, “Post-Modern” and all those big jamungous words comes down to all faggotty stuff.
I’m truly really disappointed. I so am.
The previous year’s was a BLAST! It was fun, professional, exciting and the men sure as hell acted like men.

What? Did the people from Singapore Idol run the NDP?

Even when I was 5 watching taped recording of the NDP parades in my hotel room in Kuching I was excited with all the soldier’s gung ho ness and toughness and the tanks and the performances…. Where those with dicks dressed up like they did have dicks. And even the art performances had the guys doing guy stuff (help girls climb up the human pyramid for eg.)

The CNA website said sth abt the fireworks, performances, drill and march past are the favourite events of the audience..
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PLEASE LA THAT'S ALL THAT WE'VE BEEN OFFERED OKAY.

This year’s truly wasn’t exciting… repetitive songs… lots of cliché stuff like “Awww this circle represents unity which is part of the Singapore pledge blab la lb alba” . and I swear this guy was on and a question was posted to him… and he was obviously reading off a script with all those humungous words that are lined up one after another; It’s obviously written by some lawyer person and read by my friend’s uncle's dog's son.

Geez… seriously ive never been more disappointed with the NDP like this before.

In the end I called out Henry and Aik and decided not to watch all these artsy fartsy empty performances and go do stuff real men do…..

…so we went to Blk 925 kopitiam for dinner. I had my hot teh., watching Channel 8 while drinking… enjoying the fan blowing and listening to all the cars and ppl going by and having a swell time talking to my two kakis.

Then we went off to AMK K-pool till 12 am with Tharik.. having buckets of great laughs.

I really really hope someone in the organisation kicks someone in the head and next year’s NDP isn’t as gu niang as this year’s.

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.... But I think it’s also because Hasrul was there la. HAHAHAHAAHHA.




However there were some nice excerpts from New Paper’s 9th August edition. I like the one with the three grandmothers saying “Independence simi sai?” and the columnist writing about Singapore passports.

PROJECT THREE!!!

WOW!

When I first came up to the first location we were to shoot….. it was only my crew and I. 4 ppl. The other one more pang seh us.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere were my casts, their girlfriends and even more came plus friends! Eric was there Kang Sheng was there Kai Xiang was there and we actually had a total of one, two, three, four, five… SIX cameras filming down our project three shoot!
After everything we all held hands and sang happy birthday …..

LOL wth so popular….??? Daniel was saying our group is the only one who has the most number of ppl involved, talents and supporters likewise. Seems like Aisya had it easy to get people to be our talents and Kai Xiang was more than willing to help me with the lighting (then I scared him off later)


Aisya holding up the slate. Zhonghui trying to show a confused Chia Xin how it looks like to smile like me.

But jia lat I think I did a lot of mistakes. Daniel was recording me loading the camera and while I was explaining and all that I realized I loosened up the film from the spool… means the negatives were being exposed!!!!

I kept quiet for a while (about… 15 minutes)… then broke it to them over lunch.
A long heavy pause. Knn die....
Then OMG we say Andrew! We disturbed his holy ritual of buying Japanese food from the stall (shinto-nippon-dojo-ari-desu. lmao) and he said sth like “it’s okay…. It’s a daylight spool so it should have blocked some light….”

…. Okay.... if you say so..


Surya.

I brought my Armani suit for Zhong Hui and Don….. size 42.. and it fts perfectly on all of them! Wootz sibeh damn lucky.
When they saw my suit they were like “whooaaaa!!! Armani seh!!!!!”

But actually no la its no that im rich or what… I buy from warehouse sale LMAO. They sold it at 75% discount that time...

Zhong Hui was looking at his reflection in the mirror.. obviously very happy and he said, “I nv wear suit before. This is my first time.”
Muahaha I feel so honoured HAHAHAH.

Problem was I had no idea when was the “right time”. All the while I was nervous and I had to turn everyone’s attention away to Aisya by telling them she was gonna brief them. Surya brought his pretty girlfriend over and so she was a guest on the shoot. So I took her as a benchmark on how far im pushing the people around with waiting. The moment she got agitated and fidgety I knew I was starting to pull it too long.


The blemishes on my face are as textured as the Bolex's camera body. Can i go kill myself?

Shooting through the Bolex was a pain. Kai Xiang read the Bolex manual and it said sth like only 1/5th of light coming in through the lens is shown in the viewfinder. So even though we were shooting under bright sunlight….. what I saw through the viewfinder were just shadows and blurry images of people moving about. It’s anally difficult to frame!!!! You cant even see the damn guides!
Then my sexy long eyelashes (that my sister is dying for) kept getting in the way lmao.


Wooo action seh the cameraman.......

We are guided of the exposure only by means of reading form the light meter. Like… 80 lux means what f-stop then must measure distance from subject to camera. I thought we could work with only one person behind the camera…. Eventually I had to have three or four for measuring, slate, lens dials….

During shooting my camera stopped rolling all of a sudden. It happened many times and its all because I never wound the spring to roll the camera. I think ppl see me wound the camera also scared I break the bloody thing. Damn doo lan.


Ke Song getting revenge on the Mofo Boss..... i mean Mafia Boss.

We had about Seventy five thousand dollars worth of equipment on our trolley and they probably weighed about a ton or something. We had to push it from one end of Ngee Ann (Sports Complex) back to the FMS block which is near the entrance of school… and up a hill…. And then to Blk 50. Ke song had trouble pushing it down the hill cause they all started dropping off and the cars coming form behind the hill cant possibly see him and they were all like zooming around. Scary stuff. But we lived. So there.

Just wished I had my Toyota Liteace!


The holy Bolex in the evil toilet.

Durng the break time before setting up again Ke Song was showing of his “Archer Fish” skill……. He gargled up a lot of snot and shot it up at the ceiling! SHIOK MAN. One day I will try. Maybe can attract girls!

Then it was setting up with Kai Xiang.
For the record… no ghosts appeared. Bu scary also la…. Only the smell of piss bothered us. I think the older you get… the smellier your piss is.
We had an adult tuition grp for the night and they were coming in pissing and stank the whole place.


Daniel pretending to do work.

I intended to have this grimy, florescent feel to the picture… like those Sadako toilet scene kinda stuff. But then we just didn’t have the equipment (had knowledge!!! A lot!!! Got kai xiang!!!) to hand the lights up on the ceiling. So.. ZZz…. My night toilet shot become afternoon toilet shot. HAHA cb.

But I think it’s actually quite nice.
I discussed with KX and we decided to put on a yellow-sepia filter infront of the lens and tada…. I think it turned out very nicely. KX understood what I wanted and he went all the way to touch all those burning hot redheads. I have a phobia of hot things being above my forehead so while he was up there i was on the flor clapping my hands going, "Jia you! Jia you!"


Fixing up the lights so the shadows fall right where i want them to.

We took about two sweaty smelly knnccb hours to set up. I’m just so shocked that the rest weren’t pissed off. Actually they were having fun talking outside lmao.

P.S. I was about to sleep right after writing this draft and then suddenly i smelt lots of piss and toilet smell in my sister's room where i sleep. I looked at the cat.... went outside.. still can smell... eventually found out it was all over my hands and hair and shirt. EEEWWW!!!!!!!!

Eventually it dragged on too much and Yvonne came in with her sleepy eyes going, “Can we shoot?”
Her first lines after 4 hrs of silence. Haahhaahaha.

At the same time I had to handle the cb Noise Singapore assignment. I just blew tht one away and finally admitted I cant possibly do two things at the same time. I’d just piss off my crew further. Rather not risk that. So I asked anyone near the camera to “take a snap for Noise Singapore!”
Daniel did a bit…. Not bad too.


When we started work, my shirt was white and it fit my body. By the time i got home, it was two sizes bigger and seven shades darker.

We ran into the problem of TOO LITTLE film. We actually cut out an entire scene (the first one). The afternoon set we already used up 110 feet of film.. leaving us 80 feet left… 10 feet for safety. Tha’ts like… 2 minute 45 secs of shooting at 24 frames per second. In other words…. …… too little film la u dumb or what?

KX’s grp actually shot only on one film roll, in only 2 hrs. Apparently his film and its location is too holy to be revealed so cannot ka jiau him to use it lmao.

Ke Song and Don were our talents. I LIKE……. LOL. Some of the most cooperative talents I’ve ever worked with.


Director Aisya and Producer Yvonne.....

There was this time I left the toilet (after dunno how long) to get sth and when I came back the whole place was smoky cos they were smoking Marlboro Red. I can see Yvonne’s face turning sour so I thought maybe they shouldn’t smoke….. but then I saw the trails in the spotlight and it created this whole dirty smoky ambience and I thought, “THIS IS IT!”

So I took a Marlboro Red and smoked a bit to add more ambience (btw It’s been 3 weeks since I smoked ok I QUIT ALREADY!!! cos I found out my girl friends really dun like) but after a while I almost knock out. -.-
Marlboro Red is too strong for me. By the second step I took to the camera I was already tripping on the flat tiles. Really buay tahan.


Mafia in the DarK

So.. that’s pretty much it. Fun project…… felt so much like NCC sai kang time and ooo yeah the teamwork was just smooth sailing…….. but dunno why the lan jiao Daniel always get headache at the wrong time. -.-

We had some problems after that regarding putting the equipments somewhere for the night and there was this long discussion of who shld stay over. It was already 1130pm. Eventually we left it all back at the FMS cage’s holding area, under the security camera. So if ppl wan to come kiap kiap they will be on cctv!

So here I am at home… trying hard to figure out how to bloody transfer RAW files frm KX’s camera. AWESOME CAMERA! Canon EOS 350D. Not bad. I will ask my sister to buy hee hee.


Zhonghui’s picture above was a cropped version of this. NOT BAD RITE?!?!?!?

But im still scared…… its like I feel I did sth wrong during the shoot. Maybe I nv exposed it properly? Maybe I nv load the film properly? Sianz.

I still wanna do more film productions… it’s fun! Sweaty sweaty fun! But wow if I run my own film production…… then it’ll be like what KX said, “You are so demanding. Next time I dun wanna work with you.”

Lol…. Moral of the story – …… …. Say, “Thank you to your crew all the time.”

Thank you…..


The Mafia in the Dark thing is a parody of a Dogme 95 semi-musical film called "Dancer in the Dark" starring Bjork. EVERYONE should watch it. It's really something. Have a search on google. It's not musical as in gay-music but it's like surreal/electronic kinda music. It's Bjork! duh!

P.s. Visit Kwang Wei’s blog for a little dose of wickedly silly humour. He has some of his shoot videos up as well.
P.P.S. All Behing the scenes photos above were taken by Kai Xiang’s magnificient Canon 350D. Awesome camera. All outdoor shots taken by him.

P.P.P.S. I NEED YOUR OPINIONS! These photos are possible submissions to the Noise Singapore thingy so I need your opinions on which I should send in and which I should delete/burn/throw away etc etc. Your opinion matters! Kam siah…..